I Said I'd Blog...

...so here it is.  

To be a writer I've heard that you have to be consistent at writing.  You don't need to worry about having the perfect sentence or topic but just starting.  So I come back to writing after hibernation - a long nap of sorts.  I was talking with my guy about this today and how I've felt like something has been missing spiritually from my life and realized that visually putting words down is my spiritual act.  It releases something in me as I let go of my tendencies to want have to have a brilliant thought.  It makes way for my weakness to shine.  And it is good.  I can take off any perceived perfectionism and see that my raw true self is okay.  Better than okay.  Awesome!  

The way I write is through just letting my fingers type letters that turn into words.  Oh how I've missed this freedom!  There is something so profound in typing out words onto a screen or taking a pen to paper.  Does anyone else feel this way?  I have forgotten what it feels like...to me it's pure beauty and delight!  I'm not even joking, there is something that is released in me as my tension dissipates, as my mind focuses, and as my mind calms.  

As I verbally and visually process, I am being spiritually renewed.  Ideas and thoughts flow more freely and it's a reminder that in order to be balanced I need to remember to do the things that fill me up the most.  The challenge for me is to be consistent.  I struggle to do something repetitively (even if it's a different exercise class, writing topic, or restaurant) as good as it can be.  I want the new, the exciting, the adventure...yet I'm reminded that my motives need to be in the right place rather than avoidance by filling my days with otherness.  

I'm so thankful for my best friend who reminded me of my core values and encouraged me in my desires to write.   

Finding Community: I said "Yes!"

I said "Yes!"

It wasn't a hard choice.  It felt right.  But more than basing my quick decision on feelings it was my logical response to a deep desire that I have had for years.  The ironic thing about saying "yes" is that sometimes you don't have days or weeks or years to process and discern, then again, I believe you do.

I have many deep desires, some that I share and some that I keep hidden as I wait for an opportunity.  I've said "no" to many potential situations that seemingly could align with my desires but do not give me peace.  It's frustrating at times to feel like I keep coming across a roadblock in my path.  In this tension I continually learn to let go of self as I allow God to guide me so that it's my story for His glory rather than mine.

I had several vulneric [vulnerability + panic] attacks this last week on my vulnerability streak.

First, I talked to HR about a harassment and discrimination issue.  I wasn't hindered from saying anything...till afterwards.

Then I had a serious conversation with a male colleague regarding woman in leadership.  We didn't have a lot of time to process a systemic issue in 15 mins as I tried to share my concerns and the thoughts didn't flow perfectly.

A guest author met with a small group of woman as we shared our personal struggles with the church.  It was bonding and real...but did I really talk about singleness with people whose first names I hardly knew?  

Then I had a email exchange with a male friend and a piece of it was on relationships.  It wasn’t what he said but the connection I made that triggered a sore spot for me.  [Did I mention that I’m 35?]  I have a longing and deep desire to be a wife and mother.  There is also tension with work as a single woman as I try to find the balance of being passionate about what I’m called to for this season while desiring something that hasn't come to fruition.  And will it?  If it does, how do I make career and family work?  We live in a society that is broken.  It was difficult to explain my feelings because there are so many layers that a few paragraphs could not suffice.  I could talk about this all day with my women friends...but did I really just say what I said to a male?  

And lastly, the thing I said "yes" to in the beginning of the week happened towards the end.

I didn’t give myself time to think that I’d be standing in front of an all-employee [loads of people] meeting at my institution.  It didn’t register in my brain that this was going to be live video fed into the seminary campus.  And then saved forever as a recording that someone could find online.  I didn’t even think that faculty with Ph.Ds or seminary theologians would be attending.  Until now. 

I simply said “yes” to speaking on a devotional message that applied to my life.  It happen to be Halloween...I hate this holiday.  It feels fake to act like someone else.  So I talked about taking off our masks...and being vulnerable.   

It was after I got on stage with my sheet of paper in hand, spoke from the heart, and then stepped down from the lights back into the shadows of my seat that I thought, “WHAT DID I JUST DO?” I had an internal vulnerability regret as my mine swirled in the negativities. 

I use my past shame, family issues and relationship woos as I mentor young adults through their identity discovery years.  It is in this place that I have released my insecurities as I walk beside students.  At times it can feel like a one-way street as I mentally and emotionally invest into “fighting” for them to succeed.  Yet, it is their struggles and pain that they have impacted me to tell my story and persevere.

The work I do with college students is very personal but to be so in front of my colleagues?  Afterwards the college President, my boss and other colleagues acknowledge my sharing.  Back at the office I already have an email from the seminary asking when I was going to apply.  At the grocery store a colleague I hardly knew thanked me.

It is in this unmasking that I'm reminded of my favorite verse from Ephesians 3:20 “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us”. In the gap of knowing and seeing is faith, faith that even if I don't get accolades that I am doing the right thing. Even when I make mistakes and don't have the perfect words to say, I can truth in God's abundant power.

Finding Community: Fall(ow)ing Along Towards Peace

[Photo courtesy of Onjalai Flake, Herbert Hoover Park, Newberg, OR]

I want to write so bad; I want to put all my thoughts into words; I've been stuck.  I have a lot of braining going on and need to process.  So here I am without a clear vision forming letters into words and words into sentences as I try to get out of the "I-can't-zone" and into the "I-will-go-for-it-zone" of not focusing on getting it "write" 'cause in the end this is my blog and I can do what I want to [insert big laugh].  I need to give myself freedom to express the deepest pains and greatest joys through the lens of vulnerability.

Fall is one of my favorite times of the year with the brilliant orange and golden leaves.  It's a simple reminder that my life is like seasons' ebbs & flows in which there is alternating forward visioning and holding back reflection moments.  Living within the tension is a hard and good place to be.  It's been a long last couple of weeks - emotional, mental, confusion, anxiety, peace.  I put peace at the end as if to give the image that I've got it figured out.  I don't.

There's so much mystery in life.  Ohh!  And I've got questions.  My life coach gave me one very simple question to ask on my personal retreat last month:  Why?  

A three letter word to ask God.
In regards to my current circumstances.  
Good circumstances.  

Mostly I've seen this asked in a negative way when life is not perfect - yet I have come to a season of being content.  Fulfilled.  Peaceful.  And the why is not in doubt, rather wonderment.  Asking this question has gotten me to see the value in that Why-sdom [asking why = wisdom] can give me deeper insight.  

I see the aligning through the twists & turns of a previously unforeseen future.  The joy comes from the sorrow.  The letting go comes from releasing the holding on.  And the question comes back over and over.  Why?  I've been in this sweet spot for a short six weeks after much transition in ministry, housing, work...and in this space I'm visually and internally watching the seasons change.  

I didn't come away from my retreat with a concrete answer but rather that feeling that God loves me.  Loves loves loves me.  A gift that I can not repay.  I am constantly being uprooted physically but more than what most people can see, spiritually, as He keeps challenging me to live my life outward & upward.

Shortly there after I am confronted with a challenge.  Anxiety like I've never felt.  3 AM wake ups of prayers and journaling as I processed the situation.  

"Do you trust Me?"
"Yes", I respond quickly.
"Really trust Me?"  
"YES!" I say confidently.
"Trust fully?"
"Oh course, Lord", I say exasperated.
"Deep abiding TRUST in all areas of your life?  The deepest longings, the deepest shame, the deepest pain?  That I, the GREAT I AM, can redeem, restore and repair through community?  

Fall(ow)ing along towards peace with Christ takes trust like I've never known.  To allow my own expectations of how I envisioned my life to fall away as I let go of human questions and focus on hearing from God.  Finding community is ultimately in Jehovah-jirah.  As autumn leaves fall towards the ground, I, like the tree, have to allow myself to be pruned with the limbs' colors coming off as I stand raw...and free.  

Finding Community: Gaining [Spiritual] Perspective

Awoken from slumber in the middle of the night, swirling in my mind are many unprocessed thoughts.  The biggest one being, "Lord, what are you calling me to do"? And He reminded me of Hillsong's "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)", so I listened to it over and over and over.  Then I wake up early this morning and do the same.  

In the stillness of the morning
In the quiet of the night
Words of encouragement flood my spirit with abundant confidence
My eyes will focus on Above

How often do I look at the details of my life with anxiety when I really should rest in HIS embrace as I remember the big rocks of faith, hope, and love.

" It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him." (Heb 11:6. MSG).

Finding community is not always with human beings because overly relying on people for all my answers is a worldly perspective.  Taking time to sit alone and pray to God through worship, listening, and writing is the framework for community.  

(October 2, 2013)

Finding Community: Pumpkin-Bombing

Tiny cute pumpkin-bomb

I woke up and my housemate told me to look out the window...a baby pumpkin was on my car and a large relative was in the middle of the front lawn!  I duped it pumpkin-bombing, like the current craze of yarn-bombing [knitting covers over someone's items and surprising them with it].  We think it could be the college students I work with...alas no one on Facebook is admitting to it.  

Gigantic ugly pumpkin-bomb

This creative clean [emphasis on CLEAN] prank made me feel loved. Finding community is not always serious business, it's about having fun doing silly things and laughing at the mischievousness.  It gave me a reminder how settling is not a horrible word but can show persistence through the challenges and longevity in the difficulties that sometimes produces this wonderful thing called community.

The thing I've longed for for so long was a sense of belonging.  I'm finding that it takes both the struggles and persistence to come into this deep beauty of being with others.  I'm now in my 6th year of employment at this university [which is the longest I've ever had a position.  My longest before that was 2 years.]  The institution has gone through many transitions and there were a few times in which I was praying about other opportunities, yet I am still here with no regrets.  It has taken me this long to develop my connections with colleagues, relationships with students, and contentment with the small town rural setting as a singleton in her mid-30's.  

Finding community is not always easy...but it is worth it.  Even when you get pumpkin-bombed.

[I took a sabbatical of sorts during my busy season at work.  And I'm okay with it.  I'm now starting from where I left off...and not letting Fear 3 be my truth!]

Assignment Day 5:  The Truth
Fear is big, but the truth is bigger.  Today, take out the list of fears and write down one line of truth under each. Don't argue with the fear, don't get tangled.  Just write down the truth. 

• Fear 1:  I'll be judged for what I say.  

             Truth 1:  You'll always be judged but the ONLY TRUE Judge is Jesus Christ.  You can walk in HIS confidence no                          matter who judges you.  

• Fear 2:  Writing about relationships as a single is scary...what if no guy wants to date me after he reads my writing...wait a sec, I don't really date anyways.  Never mind.

                   Truth 2:  Being vulnerable is scary but your story is for HIS glory.  Helping other singles navigate relationships is a                  high calling on your life and a guy that is the right one will like you for your writing.  

• Fear 3:  I won't be consistent in my writing and if I tell people then don't do it I lose face [well, hopefully I still have my face]  

                    Truth 3:  There is no need to have a legalistic way of writing.  Write when you can and let it come from a true desire                rather than a mandatory obligation [your face will always be beautiful]

(Completed 9/27/13 at 11:04 PM)

Finding Community: Monsters, Queens, and Scary Slimy Things

These days...okay by days I mean 2 weeks I've been living with monsters, queens and scary slimy things.  Single livin' these days ain't so quiet...and I love it (kinda)!  My furniture is in paid storage and I'm taking over the garage and dining room of my friend's home, like a jungle.  Then again a jungle is where dinos roar and swamps are found, right?  I'm living in this awesome world with a 4 & 7 year old.

I'll be moving this weekend...of course it's literally [said with a British accent because it just sounds awesome] 3 houses down the same road.  But there's something unique about living with kids...the joy and beauty that I'm going to miss.  The little girl came into my room one morning and I invited her onto the bed.  She propped up elbow onto my pillows with her head in her hand and we talked about life from a 4 year old's perspective.  It was sweet.  Then there's the morning breakfast that I love doing for the kiddos before the mom is up, the conversations I have with the 7 year old make me realize that everything is new to him and the questions he asks are so profound...and sometimes downright silly.

I love the after-bedtime routine when my long-time friend and I just stay up talking.  Then the next morning making coffee a necessity.  I came to their house without a pre-determined exit plan because I was discerning my next steps.  I thought I might be staying here longer but an opportunity for a different type of community-living opened up, so in just a few days I'll be moving for the 2nd time this summer.

Yet for now I'll enjoy the early morning giggles and late night convos.


Assignment:  "Day 4: The big F-word.  Nothing kills dreams like fear.  Today, it's time to face a few of ours.  Your task is to write down your biggest fears in your journal.  That's it, today!  I just want them to hit paper." - Jon Acuff

• Fear 1:  I'll be judged for what I say.  
• Fear 2:  Writing about relationships as a single is scary...what if no guy wants to date me after he reads my writing...wait a sec, I don't really date anyways.  Never mind.  
• Fear 3:  I won't be consistent in my writing and if I tell people then don't do it I lose face [well, hopefully I still have my face]  

(Completed 8/15/13 at 11:47 PM)

Finding Community: Stress? What stress?

I'm transitioning...for a 2nd time this summer.

I don't like to be stagnate but this has been one of the more challenging seasons with moving homes, moving churches, moving offices.  And it's really ironic actually b/c I was considering moving out-of-state, alas God was teaching me to TRUST deeper and wider...then He brought me right back to where I started a year ago.  On the exact same street I use to live in, now 2 houses away!

I had two strong senses in April:  I'd be transitioning and to get ready b/c it would happen fast.  So, on faith I started packing  believing He'd reveal in His timing, not my own.  Then all of a sudden God starting aligning - opening areas I never thought of, closed doors I was considering - and confirming how important COMMUNITY is to me.  

Over this last year, I've felt very split with my ministry and not being able to fully invest in people at church, my job, and the outside community.  God's made it very clear to me, although a difficult decision, that I need to focus on my ministry with college students and in same small town.  I have a reconfigured job in which I'm letting go of the high administration tasks so that I can focus on what I do best - connecting, mentoring, and developing students in leadership & diversity.  In addition, through only what I call a God-circumstance, I am now under the Spiritual Life Office - and my new boss is the campus pastor!  This is seriously a deep desire that I've had to be planted in the campus ministries dept to be a part of the spiritual formation in the university community.

I did this as a step of obedience although I wasn't able to see the whole picture and now just this week even more amazing things have been happening to repeatedly affirm how grateful I am to be merging under the umbrella of campus ministries and to be walking out my strengths in an affirming team environment. Stress isn't always bad, (less so if you count the amount of dark chocolate and ice-cream I am consuming) the changes are actually EXACTLY where I want to be in this season.

Yet, it isn't bad to admit when I feel overwhelmed. Which I am.

I don't like to tell people when I'm not doing well, it makes me feel weak. I'm finding though that in my weakness I am finding a community ready and willing to be hands and feet to me - to help me move my offices and homes. This is the beauty and difficulty of being right where He has called me.

Assignment:  Day 3, find some super heros.  Chances are, regardless of what your risk is, someone else has already done it.  Today's task is to find 1-3 people who have accomplished what you're aiming for during these 24 days.  Research them online and see what you can learn from the trail they have already blazed.

• Allison Vesterfelt writes on life, blogging/publishing and single life before she got married.  I love her style of writing.  It's easy to read and the layout is nice.  She has been a person that has inspired me...except for that one time I saw her in a coffeeshop and was practically speechless...although I did "punch fear in the face" [thankfully not her face] and go up and talk with her, her husband, and sister.  
• Jon Acuff started out blogging, wrote a book...a few now, and is hecka funny...yes, I guess I really did say that.  He's the one who is doing #StartExp and keeping me motivated with his community and daily assignments for 24 days.  You are my super hero Jon!  The day I met you at the ACSD conference 2013 and you wrote "I love your laugh" in my book is the day we became friends.  
• Paul Sohn and I met a few months ago through a leadership organization connection and it wasn't until I Facebooked him that I saw he wrote and blogged on leadership as a "Kingdom-minded world changer".  If I recall correctly, he had a dream to write and so made a goal to do so.  

Another goal for me would be to actually READ what they write!  

Finding Community: The Love-Hate Relationship Online

I love him.  

I hate him.  

Online relationships can be headachy.  At times exasperating.  Who's with me here?  

Finding community is about boundaries.  

BOUNDARIES. 

And let's be real here.  Writing online can be tough.  Reading messages online can be tougher.  I've been learning that I have control of my time and self-care is so important.  I get to choose what I filter in and what I say "no way Jose" [by the way, who is Jose?] to.   

Oh, did I mention who I have the love-hate relationship with?  

Facebook.   

And you thought I was talking about a guy now, didn't you?  Perhaps for you it's YouTube or work emails or Hulu.  I took a 4 year sabbatical from internet at my home and I'm 5 years strong from TV.  At times I'll get online to watch a show or two but my tendency of stress is gluttony in all things.  I can get too focused on a good thing and turn it into a negative.  It's not everyone's struggle.  

I chose to put boundaries on my relationship.  And it's good.  So good.  Yet, I haven't completely cut off the relationship from my life because there are benefits:  I have celebrated significant milestones, reconnected with high school friends, and even supported college students in their trials and heartbreaks through FB [I advise and mentor undergraduates].

My most recent support has come in a different way.  Giving encouragement is easy for me, receiving and asking for it is hard.  Yet I have been through a challenging season with transitions in all areas:  work, church, home and my mentor and hero of a Grandma that I call "Grams" passing away.  So I HAD to ask for support by sharing all the stress in my life.

And it was good.  Really good.  

I found this beautiful thing called community:  Family.  Friends.  Colleagues.  
Students.  

Assignment:  Return to paper with a journal, write 1-3 sentences every day about what you are doing (Completed 8/13/13 @ 11:30 PM)

Just START - Day 1

GET OUT. GET MOVING. START.

ACTION ALWAYS BEATS INTENTION.

A dream you don't have to fight for isn’t a dream—it’s a nap. One changes your afternoon. The other changes your world. Keep fighting. - Jon Acuff

On my 35th birthday (August 9th) I was on Facebook and Jon Acuff's challenge came onto my newsfeed.  I could not resist...I mean his title spoke to the core of who I am:  Adventurers Wanted.  Of course I just tried to go to the page to show you how awesome the inspirational motivation was but he did indeed do what he said he would:  delete the post within 24 hours.  Dang, now I regret not copy & pasting, alas, life will go on.  So here I am in Track 101, 2nd cohort of #START EXP.

Risk Start Goal:  I will blog every day for 24 days on sushishelley.blogspot.com

My accountability is through FB's #StartExp Bloggers and #StartExp Northwest [It's a closed group so you might not be able to see much] You'll want to keep up with me on this site!

A few rules I came up with:

• Just write.  Don't get bogged down with the perfect wording
• Blog every day for 24 days starting here today
• Topics are up to the discretion of the author (me!)
• Don't worry about the judgement of others (you.  yup you.)
• Remember your dream that is deeply rooted in your ministry to encourage others

Assignment:  Turn a risk into 1-3 actions.  
- Blog Day 1 about starting (Completed 8/12/13 @ 9:45 AM)

Table of Content(ment)

My life.  Your life.  We each have chapters we are willing to share...and those that we keep hidden.  It's a scary thing to be vulnerable.  I have to continually find the balance of knowing what to share and with whom.

It's a constant tension of not living out of fear but also knowing the right time.  These past few months I've been going through a medical issue that ended up becoming more serious in that it's not an injury but a lifestyle change.  Through this challenge I realized my identity was wrapped in my abilities and own strength...and I had no idea until I was confronted by my doctor's prescription.  

So then I had a bad day that turned into a bad week.  

And that's okay.  I needed time to process.  To see myself as God sees me.  My whole mind perspective about myself had to change and my emotions needed to be real.  Denial isn't the solution but rather facing the problem with sadness and tears...and finding in the mist of it all that God was waiting at the table of content(ment).  He wanted to speak words of encouragement, "You are valued", "You still have a place at the table" so that then He could write the first chapter of a refocused life.  

In my lack of I'm finding God's strength to step into my calling by walking with my head held up in full confidence.  It's not easy.  I have to be intentional in living outside of my thinking-center into a serving-out-of-my-weakness-for-His-glory-center.  I've made mistakes but I'm not giving up.  

No Coincidence

A young couple's vehicle was stolen today.

There were two deaths in the extended church family.

A few crisis' to attend to.

Sicknesses.

Seven of our core team members weren't able to be at our 2nd Resound Westside service due to these circumstances.  

It is no coincidence.  Satan is attacking.  It shouldn't surprise us.  God is moving in the city and the little d ain't happy.  But we should REJOICE!

We are NOT to dwell in the negatives and what is happening with all the craziness but to PRAISE GOD in the mist of it all.  I believe strongly that HE will continue to do GREAT things in and through us when we have a thankful heart Yes, thank God in for the challenges.  In the mist of it our LORD wants to show himself faithful.  The strongest impression I got when praying this weekend was that HE is going to do something big - new people would step into ministry and we will be fruitful in our faithfulness.

AND look what happen!  We had 110 people at our 2nd official service!  We saw 8 people get saved!  In that gap of having a lot of our team missing, we were cleaned up by in no time and we had a few new people help us!  In our lack of God is showing himself faithful.  

A couple brought 7 people to Christ at a funeral.  

Come on somebody!  I'm dancing for JOY in the mist of these challenges.

If you have a PRAISE report or prayer request, let me know so that we can share in this TOGETHER.  We need each other for this work.  

Church…It’s a Big Deal.

Four years of waiting…at times the frustrated “arghs” and “grrrs”, church shopping like I’m looking for the right shoe to fit, lonely times and trying to find contentment for where I was as a 30-ish singleton lead me to where I am today. 

2012 literally started out flying on a jet plane home on January 1^st leaving behind a failed relationship.  And then another during the year.  I kept being reminded to keep my focus on God no matter what.  A friend kept updating me on their involvement with Resound then…Facebook stirred my heart. 

Yup, sometimes social media isn’t so bad.  In March, the new lead pastor posted on my friend’s page that 30,000 Easter postcards were being mailed out for Resound Westside’s 1^st Preview Service. I got uber excited about this news - for a church I had never been to.  Thus began my 3 months of praying about Resound.

During this time I lost my job.  And I was excited!  I know that’s an “un”typical response but I’d learned through other painful experiences that I needed to TRUST in God’s path that would be greater than my own.  My 10-day notice of budget cuts and combining of positions gave me this uber-joy of an I’m-now-released-to-go-anywhere perspective.   The very next day I was offered a restructured job at the same company.  God was stretching and growing and molding me.  Teaching me that HIS plans are better than my own and to let go of any bitterness for His goodness. 

It was during these three months of prayer that I wanted to know without a doubt that I was doing this for the right reasons and it was confirmed in various aspects but mostly with a sense of PEACE.  Deep abiding peace that surpasses understanding.  I knew before I even went to a service that I was supposed to be a part of Resound’s church-plant and move closer to the metropolitan Portland suburbs.  I’m so thankful for this period of waiting because I’ve had some difficult times but I have NEVER doubted that God has called me specifically to church-plant in the mist of a everything else going on.   

Of course I had to attend a service to doubly confirm what God was showing me.  The first Sunday I went to Resound I immediately sensed God’s spirit of love.  It was so evident.  I went to the service on my own and came out having amazing connections.

The second Sunday I was nervous that it’d be hard to walk in and not really know anyone (I’ve had that sinking feeling many times before during the beginning stages of attending a new church…and it’s horrible).  I had to literally pray in my car before getting out.  I asked God to have me meet somebody.  Yes, even an outgoing person can internally be shy.  Then God answered my prayer.  As I walked into the church movie theatre (Hillsboro, OR) another lady was walking in at the same time.  She turned to me and asked if I had anyone to sit with.  It was such a relief to make a new friend.  Simple things.  God things. 

Being on mission is exciting yet joining a new church takes work.  But it is worth the sacrifice.  I feel alive when I’m thinking outside myself.  When I get to serve alongside others who are sacrificing too.  There’s no pew or movie-seat warmers here.  We aren’t starting a church just to have another Sunday option.  Church is to seek and save the lost.  To be community.  To love others.

Over the last several months over 100,000+ postcards have gone out!  We’ve gone door-to-door on Saturday mornings hanging flyers.  We went to a mall to talk to people.  We put on a Halloween kid event.  We celebrated our first R2 baby’s arrival.  We had an awesome Christmas Eve service.  Our firsts also come with lasts.  We ended our preview services.  We had our last Monday night team gatherings.  Yet with transitions come new things that God has in store. 

I get excited about church.  It’s not a building.  It’s the people.  The focus on Christ.  We are in this together. 

Join us!  Tigard Regal Cinema, 10 AM every Sunday starting January 20, 2013.  (or come at 7 AM to help us set-up!)

Pray for us!  The little d ain’t happy…that’s for sure.  We’d appreciate your prayers as we reach the Portland-metro area with HOPE.

Selah. It’s What We Need.

Dear friend,

Selah.  For you.  For me.  For all of us whom need a pause in our lives.  To stop what we are doing and selah – for however long that it takes.  It doesn't mean that we reject what life brings but rather this Hebrew word is our instruction to "pause and exalt the Lord." 

            

Even when it’s painful.

Even when you want to sleep all day.

Even when you see someone else’s joy and just wanna squelch it.

            

Selah.

            

I say this for me as much for you.

            

As I overlook the Pacific Ocean’s horizon from the picture window somehow I capture a little bit of the moist sea in my eyes and it falls onto my cheek.  I think about your “could haves” and “should haves” and know it’s not fair.  The coastline’s waves begin to pick up and tears rush down my face.  Your loss is my loss – our loss.  The world is without a heartbeat. 

            

Selah.

            

I don’t pretend to know what you have gone through.  So instead I pray.  Simply pray.  No words.  Nothing is worse than pat consolations and every nice holy answer to your most ambiguous questions.  I simply repeat your name over and over and over and over. 

You see, the two of us are so very different on the outside.  Color of wheat bread belongs to me.  You grew up in the land The Beach Boys sung about while I resided in the outskirts of Sleepless In Seattle – and to this day want to call up a radio station in my middle of the night and meet the man of my dreams at the top of the Empire State Building.  Alas, I wake up in the mornings and hug a tree before sipping my organic fair-trade coffee and munch on filberts in the fertile wine country.  [Fertile.  The ironic resemblance.  Not every year is a fruitful season, even for the fields of nature.]  Yet, it’s in this place that we share our commonalities of our college years – those challenges and funny moments, how could they not bond us for life?  Sure, I might’ve (and still am) impatient so much so that an early winter morning for me I turned the thermostat ALL the way up to feel warm faster…then left for student teaching while you slept.  Or when I used olive oil for a cake ‘cause I don’t bake.  Or used your toothbrush to clean the toilet ‘cause it was the first thing I found [wait, I didn’t do that.  REALLY!  That’s a joke.]  And you.  Well…you’ve got your quirks too.

            

This friendship.  It’s more than survived our fights, tears and world travels apart.  We’ve thrived during rough times and we’ll continue to.  This I know is true. 

Nineteen days ago we texted our sorrows.  How different and yet the same.  I was crying about my own stress while you mourned yours.  This longing we both have – this desire for something – will never go away. 

Yet, in our longings – at whatever season we are in – may we both grow through our pain, challenges, weaknesses, and losses. 

I want to love more, not less just because what I’ve wanted for my future has once again fallen toward the ground like an eagle’s feather floats out to sea not in flight towards my desired destination. 

            

I want to love more, not less when the candle that I lit is blown out by the turbulence of life.  In remembrance I’ll light that wick again and again to acknowledge my weakness and God’s strength.

    
Selah.  For you.  For me.  For all of us whom need a pause in our lives.  To stop what we are doing and selah – for however long that it takes.

Changes 'A Coming

It's been four years.  4 years in the same town.  3 years in the same duplex.  4 years at the same company, title changed 3 times.  For those of you who have known my previous every year moves there was some "hallelujahs" reining down that I had stayed put.  My hope was to find a community that I could press into.  It hasn't happen.

Well, it's happen.  Just not the way I expected.  

It never really does when one's trying to walk with God.  I had to let go of my expectations of being involved in church like I was previously.  I searched and searched for a church and finally decided that for this season I would attend the one that was good enough.  The pastor spoke truth into my life but my attempts at connections and involvement were frustrating.  I kept asking God what this all meant and came to the conclusion that this season would be about WAITING.  Waiting upon Him who guides and leads.  Waiting to see what doors He'd open.  Waiting for a word.  Waiting in a way that wasn't being lazy but was invested in whatever the Lord had for me.  

Finding A Community

I found a beautiful understanding of community in what I dubbed "living with the senior citizens".  I began to learn what taking care of the widows meant.  I didn't do a consistent job of intentionality.  I failed at times to use my time wisely.  But the God of grace showed me how they became not just my neighbors but my friends.  

I love my 91 year old Eva whom I'd go and chat with on Sunday nights and watch Extreme Home Makeover with her.  Her voice was difficult to understand due to some sort of medical condition but I learned to hear and see her beauty.  Her inner strength and love for God shone through.  She ministered to me.  Eva's the type of person I wanted to sit and glean wisdom from.  She embodied love & faith like long time friends.

Another one of my friends is 80-something Camille with a sense of humor that put old age into a practical no-nonsense business deal.  She was my officially dubbed gardener who loved to make life bloom - figuratively and literally.  When I first met her she knocked on my door and without barely a greeting mentioned that she had planted the flowers around my duplex.  It was clear they were "her" flowers.  And she wanted to make sure I was okay with that.  YES, please garden your heart out (I killed a bamboo once...okay twice)!  Thus began out friendship. 

I'm moving.  It's exciting yet the truth is...I was struggling with guilt.  Guilt that I didn't do enough in the season I lived here.  Guilt that I was so self-focused that I lost my way in serving whole-heartedly.  I really struggled with being a 30-something singleton in a small town.  I invested into work - great and meaningful work - but I somehow lost myself.  Then I realize that although there were some mistakes that I made along the way, my vision of what it means to be the "good Christian" was messed up.  

Ministry In A Different Way

God gave me a ton of ministry.  It just looked completely different than I was use to.  It wasn't a consistent focused ministry, rather I heard stories from all walks of life and through this challenging season grew in relational ministry.  I was put in situations that gave me deep empathy and advocacy to be the voice for underrepresented populations and using my story for His glory.  

I'm moving.  But it's not the pat answer that it's to find balance and be more central to the city that I've been giving.  (I'm not sure why I was even giving that answer.  I was called out on it by a friend and it really made me think that I wasn't being completely honest and sharing for God's glory.)  Sure, that may be a reason or two but the bigger framework is that I am ultimately stepping out in faith to a new community.  I believe there are specific things I'm to be about in my next town...things that haven't been fully revealed yet.  

Changes Not Always What One Thinks

This last year I knew God was telling me that changes would be happening.  I thought it might be moving to a San Diego.  As much as I fell in love with the refugee population, it became clear this wasn't the path.  Then I lost my job due to downsizing so I told God "send me anywhere!"  Ironically, a day later He sent me back to my job into a reconfigured position.  

I've also been praying about using what could seem like my random experiences and combining them for his glory.  Over the last months God has been preparing me but I've been a bit resistant to move forward b/c I wanted to make sure that my motivates were pure and right.  I asked God to confirm the way to walk...actually run.  'Cause I believed that my feet would go full-force into the next season of my life when it was time.  

I still don't know 100% the things God is doing...I'm only seeing a glimpse.  In that 5% one step forward.  In that 10% another step forward.  You see, perhaps what's currently brewing in my brain will be changed once again...and that's okay.  I'm waiting.  I'm listening.  I'm seeking where He is already working and seeing if this is where He wants me to be.  The journey of a Christian is not an easy or perfect life.  Simply a life created to love and serve Him.  And walk (rather run) in it. 

How are you running? 

Vulnerability

You know, I have this fear that I wrote about here but I ain't gonna let that stop me.  I know I have to move past that b/c I have this deep passion for healthy relationships.  It's out of my own unhealthy relationships that I found this urge to do the opposite.  I still make mistakes.  So this is me being vulnerable.

It's freeing to use my pain, my stories and to turn them around for God's glory.



 I can't get enough of Brené Brown. I kept hitting replay while watching her talk about her research since her Ted 2010 talk.

 

Gathering a Pile High

I'm 'a gathering.  I love me a good speaker and writer.  I have books piled all over my living room.  See, last night I decided to sort all my books by category and do a little dusting while I was at it.  I keep talking about writing on healthy relationships but I haven't quite got into a consistent groove yet.  By sorting my books I knew it would reveal what topics I tend to buy the most often (I say "buy" 'cause there's many a paper-bound that I have yet to actually read.  Note the book on the top left pile that was purchased four years ago and not read...no wonder I haven't been highly effective yet).

For anyone that knows me well, I think about relationships ALL the time.  I am able to integrate dating questions into my conversations with students; I am saddened by fatherlessness, broken marriages, self-image issues; I have gone through the ups & downs as a 30-ish single woman as I navigate this thing called LIFE; most importantly I want to change my generation and future generations and see us live countercultural to the world's media-saturated standards and instead find a biblical model of true love.  Agape.

I'm stumbled upon motivational speaker Jon Acuff when I was on the Dave Ramsey site.  He helped give me a bit 'ol encouragement with keeping up with a blog, sharing a message through talking about what we don't talk about, and that "there's ways to have a full-time job and a full-time dream" and "to have an extraordinary life in the middle of a very ordinary day".  Thank you Jon Acuff for this message.



We each have something that stirs us -- perhaps through the music we listen to or where we spend the most time or even what gets our blood boiling.  What's your dream?  Mine is to write and speak on healthy relationships.  Let us be doers and take action towards living it out.

Blue Like Jazz: The Movie review

An Oregonian perspective:  "Man, we are weird!" and "I live in a bubble - a Christian bubble".  For this season I live, work, go to church and just about do everything in a small-town Christian circle.  My first instinct is to jump out of the bubble and go "save" some of those Portlanders.  To use my Christianize on them.  To hand out a salvation flyer.

Then I remind myself to step down off my pedestal.  To look at my own self and realize that I'm a human sinner too.  As the scenes go by I can't help but think of my experiences in different seasons, especially when I was in graduate school attending a public university in Oregon.  One of the most challenging spiritual times as I dialogued with colleagues & faculty with extreme outlooks on life.  Yet it became one of my most rewarding spiritual times in that I was challenged to know my faith in a deeper more intimate way.  To seek knowledge & truth in the mist of vastly different views.  Views that said I wasn't multicultural if I didn't believe what their liberal stances taught.  I became disillusioned about working on a master's degree and the reason I was really there.

Ironically I now work at a Christian university where I am the director of multicultural student programs and have found a place at the table.  It's taken me a few years to feel like I have a voice...and I'm still a work in progress.  In the Christian circle I'm considered moderate-liberal; in the media-saturated-everything-goes world I'm considered ultra-conservative.  I can't get it right.  People don't like my views on either end.

Yet, if it wasn't for the challenge of having an unbelieving cohort member showing me to be passionate about what I believed...or for an atheist housemate whom argued & yelled at me about religion yet in the next moment wanted to have creative cooking days...or the colleagues who thought me making out with a guy was a rite of passage and didn't understand why I didn't want to bring up a misdeed repetitively...or even someone of a different faith asking if I was going to pray at a meal...if it wasn't for these experiences I wouldn't be where I am today.  I would still be stuck in people-pleasing.  In fear.

Fear stopped me from being bold.  I wanted to be accepted.  Liked.  I was like the main character Donald Miller, in that my voice was hiding.  Sometimes it still does.  Yet as I become more self-aware the bad comes with the good.  The bitter with the coffee, that's why there is sugar.  To find that balance of knowing my weaknesses and living in my strengths.  To be more authentic and vulnerable.  And these people that I struggled with became my friends.  I learned a lot from them...and I hope the same could be said about me.

I had wanted to be this perfect ideal Christian, the facade that I thought the church wanted.  With my strengths came my shadowside.  The piece of me that didn't want to admit I can't do it all.

YET, in that     s     p     a     c     e     that's where God was showcased.

After the movie ended I wanted to see it again.  It's a story that wrestles with issues of the heart.  It made me look at my own life to see if I was serving Jesus wholeheartedly.  At the core of my being do I have fears that hold me back?  I recognized that for this season right where I am is where I need to be.  Although I may be surrounded with mostly Christians there are people of varying faith journeys trying to find their identity.  Everybody belongs somewhere (Miller).  So I don't need to run out and save all the crazies.  It's about being diligent in my current area of influence.  And to know my true identity.

As I look back on my own life I don't doubt why I was in grad school.  It wasn't for the degree as difficult as some academias will fault me for.  It was for the experience.  The process of finding myself in the mist of conflicting storylines and to come to a resolution.  What is yours?


PS - Reed college really does have great food...and the "table"...you'll know what I mean if you watch the movie.  http://www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com/.  Go see it - and see it soon.  It's one of those non-cheesy independent films that we need to support.  Really.  Go.  Go already!

Season of Waiting

Life is about seasons.  Many a time in the mist of something I don't know how long the season will be.  God seems to not reveal deadlines or changes right away.  I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 in that "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens".  When I read the passage I see a juxtaposition of hard & easy; good and bad; lovely and challenging.  

I'm in a season of waiting.  

Waiting.  

Not knowing.  

Anticipating.  

I don't know how my life will end up exactly.  I can only trust that in the waiting God will use it for His glory.  There are lessons to be learned for sure...some of them I'm already learning, others still to come.  

I'm waiting for one thing then another was stacked upon that.  I imagine myself in an enormous floor to ceiling dark wood bookcase library filled with big leather bound pages in which God lays in my arms one book labeled "Relationship".  Then I watch Him as He climbs up the ladder to choose another.  This time marked "Work".  

Yours could be different.  Perhaps you have more books piled high in your arms.  

Whatever the case I realize that I can't do this.  I hope you do too.  I can't hold these thick heavy books in my hands alone.  That's when God comes back over when I call on Him.  "Lord, please help me I need you".  He does.  He has me sit down beside him as he opens up the pages and reveals things I don't want to see.  I'd rather run away.  Hide.  Sleep.  Anything to get away from dealing with pain.  Hardship.  Hurt.  Gently and graciously He leads to to rest in His pasture.  To not hold on tightly to things that I want.  To allow Himself to be revealed.  

It's beautiful.  It's hard.  

More Than Physical

Kelly Clarkson's lyrics "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is just a bit ironic today.  I love hearing this song at my 5:30 AM workout and it's fun to break out in dance with my girls whenever it comes on.  It's motivation to push myself physically.


Today was my bi-weekly weigh-in and I only lost 2.5 lbs as I've sacrificed double workouts to focus on other things...then there's been more eating out than my typical "home-exercise-work-home and repeat" routine I had been on.  Yet, I am still getting it done.  There's been days that I splurge on dessert but honestly when I watch my calories and eat a few bites I feel ok with allowing myself a treat.  


One thing I've struggled with is emotional eating.  Eating when I'm sad.  Eating when I'm happy.  Eating when I'm full.  Eating just to eat.  I've been more intentional about enjoying my food and eating smaller meals.  Yesterday was emotional but I didn't think about eating to fill a void.  I simply rested in God TRUSTING in His sovereign plan.  It felt awesome to go directly to Him for all my needs big and small.  

This is a spiritual journey for me and a bonus is the weight loss.  I'm not only focusing on the physical b/c it seems superficial to be obsessed with counting calories, putting myself on a scale and working out 5-6 times a week.  It's more about the  process of wanting to be refined like gold.  I want to consider it pure joy...whenever [I] face trails of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of [my] faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that [I] may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  -James 1:2 -4 NIV.  Whether that is a personal or physical situation I hope that I can walk it out in a way that ultimately glorifies God no matter what the end result.  

It's challenging.  Sometimes it involves making difficult decisions.  Doing the hard thing.  Aligning the heart, mind and spirit with my actions.  

MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Wisdom Is A Verb

Ironic.  I asked for wisdom.  I got it.  Then I had to actually use it.  

What is wisdom if you simply think about it?  It's a noun but in my book it's a verb.  It's not just a thing, it's an action.  The hard part for me is doing the opposite of my flesh.  To turn away for the antonyms of "stupidity" and "ignorance" (aren't those words great?) and having the knowledge of what is true and right.  

Wisdom is hard.  

It involves will-power.  Self-control.  Discipline.  Things that are good.  But.  It.  Is.  Hard.  So.  Hard.


Wisdom is more than being surrounded by intelligent facts or smart people.  It takes work to be wise.  I by no means have this perfected.  I would much rather do something based on a feeling.  I've been praying James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who give generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him".  The real test is walking out the knowledge I have gained.  It sucked.  


I was recently given a situation to put me at a crossroads.  I had two choices.  Walk wise or unwise.  Be strong or be weak.  Trust God or trust myself.  I felt like I was in the middle of a busy street and I had to make a quick choice in the moment.  It was stressing me out.  My flesh was saying the opposite of my mind.  I realized in that moment that once I start down the path of stupidity then it is much much harder to get out of the hole.  If I put healthy boundaries on the path then I acknowledge the problem and do something about it.  I step over the hole, I go around it, I do whatever I can to avoid getting stuck.  The indecision sucked.  The end result was peace.  

The situation challenged me to focus on God, not self.  To allow the process to refine me and develop a deeper dependence on Him who I need to ultimately trust.  To know that I have choices to make every day, I simply need to chose this day whom I will serve.  

Expectations vs Standards

Let's talk about relationships.  The other day a friend's boyfriend whom I don't even know told her that I have high expectations in a guy.  It was a random opinion b/c we have never met or talked with each other.  He based his judgement on me being 33...and he's 31.

My quip back was "Of course I do"!

His nonchalant judgement hurt a bit.  He doesn't know me.  Or my story.  I didn't feel a huge need to defend myself because God knows my heart's desires.  I wait.  I am not sitting on the sidelines waiting for marriage.  I actively pursue opportunities professionally & personally.  I put myself out there in dating.  I pray that I become a woman after God's own heart.  Yet, I am not perfect.  And that is okay.

This morning I realize that I need to change my word from "expectations" to "standards" as I listened to Sara Groves on Boundless.org podcast #209.  She talked about those two words and how we need to “Let life unfold" without expectations but to have high standards.  Her thoughts were exactly what I was thinking.  We should all have high standards for a dating relationship but let go of our expectations.  Expectations put the other person at a disadvantage from the start because if they don't meet our requirements than we judge them.  Standards make sure that we aren't settling for just anyone and within that context then we discover who they are without judgement.

Expectations seem self-centered.  It's needy.  "What can I get from this relationship?" is the theme rather than "What can I gain from this relationship"?

On a larger scale, this can go for any relationship.  I used to have huge expectations on family and friends.  When I didn't get my needs met from them than I was hurt and disappointed.  Ultimately, for any relationship we need to allow God to do the work in all of our lives.  I don't need to try to control a situation but allow God to guide & direct the path.  To walk through the open doors.  To go to Him when doors close.  To not give up.  To pursue life - life to the full.  To know above all the challenges of this life that God has our best interests in mind and His ways are so much better than the world's.

Two words.  Two different meanings.