Gathering a Pile High

I'm 'a gathering.  I love me a good speaker and writer.  I have books piled all over my living room.  See, last night I decided to sort all my books by category and do a little dusting while I was at it.  I keep talking about writing on healthy relationships but I haven't quite got into a consistent groove yet.  By sorting my books I knew it would reveal what topics I tend to buy the most often (I say "buy" 'cause there's many a paper-bound that I have yet to actually read.  Note the book on the top left pile that was purchased four years ago and not read...no wonder I haven't been highly effective yet).

For anyone that knows me well, I think about relationships ALL the time.  I am able to integrate dating questions into my conversations with students; I am saddened by fatherlessness, broken marriages, self-image issues; I have gone through the ups & downs as a 30-ish single woman as I navigate this thing called LIFE; most importantly I want to change my generation and future generations and see us live countercultural to the world's media-saturated standards and instead find a biblical model of true love.  Agape.

I'm stumbled upon motivational speaker Jon Acuff when I was on the Dave Ramsey site.  He helped give me a bit 'ol encouragement with keeping up with a blog, sharing a message through talking about what we don't talk about, and that "there's ways to have a full-time job and a full-time dream" and "to have an extraordinary life in the middle of a very ordinary day".  Thank you Jon Acuff for this message.



We each have something that stirs us -- perhaps through the music we listen to or where we spend the most time or even what gets our blood boiling.  What's your dream?  Mine is to write and speak on healthy relationships.  Let us be doers and take action towards living it out.

Blue Like Jazz: The Movie review

An Oregonian perspective:  "Man, we are weird!" and "I live in a bubble - a Christian bubble".  For this season I live, work, go to church and just about do everything in a small-town Christian circle.  My first instinct is to jump out of the bubble and go "save" some of those Portlanders.  To use my Christianize on them.  To hand out a salvation flyer.

Then I remind myself to step down off my pedestal.  To look at my own self and realize that I'm a human sinner too.  As the scenes go by I can't help but think of my experiences in different seasons, especially when I was in graduate school attending a public university in Oregon.  One of the most challenging spiritual times as I dialogued with colleagues & faculty with extreme outlooks on life.  Yet it became one of my most rewarding spiritual times in that I was challenged to know my faith in a deeper more intimate way.  To seek knowledge & truth in the mist of vastly different views.  Views that said I wasn't multicultural if I didn't believe what their liberal stances taught.  I became disillusioned about working on a master's degree and the reason I was really there.

Ironically I now work at a Christian university where I am the director of multicultural student programs and have found a place at the table.  It's taken me a few years to feel like I have a voice...and I'm still a work in progress.  In the Christian circle I'm considered moderate-liberal; in the media-saturated-everything-goes world I'm considered ultra-conservative.  I can't get it right.  People don't like my views on either end.

Yet, if it wasn't for the challenge of having an unbelieving cohort member showing me to be passionate about what I believed...or for an atheist housemate whom argued & yelled at me about religion yet in the next moment wanted to have creative cooking days...or the colleagues who thought me making out with a guy was a rite of passage and didn't understand why I didn't want to bring up a misdeed repetitively...or even someone of a different faith asking if I was going to pray at a meal...if it wasn't for these experiences I wouldn't be where I am today.  I would still be stuck in people-pleasing.  In fear.

Fear stopped me from being bold.  I wanted to be accepted.  Liked.  I was like the main character Donald Miller, in that my voice was hiding.  Sometimes it still does.  Yet as I become more self-aware the bad comes with the good.  The bitter with the coffee, that's why there is sugar.  To find that balance of knowing my weaknesses and living in my strengths.  To be more authentic and vulnerable.  And these people that I struggled with became my friends.  I learned a lot from them...and I hope the same could be said about me.

I had wanted to be this perfect ideal Christian, the facade that I thought the church wanted.  With my strengths came my shadowside.  The piece of me that didn't want to admit I can't do it all.

YET, in that     s     p     a     c     e     that's where God was showcased.

After the movie ended I wanted to see it again.  It's a story that wrestles with issues of the heart.  It made me look at my own life to see if I was serving Jesus wholeheartedly.  At the core of my being do I have fears that hold me back?  I recognized that for this season right where I am is where I need to be.  Although I may be surrounded with mostly Christians there are people of varying faith journeys trying to find their identity.  Everybody belongs somewhere (Miller).  So I don't need to run out and save all the crazies.  It's about being diligent in my current area of influence.  And to know my true identity.

As I look back on my own life I don't doubt why I was in grad school.  It wasn't for the degree as difficult as some academias will fault me for.  It was for the experience.  The process of finding myself in the mist of conflicting storylines and to come to a resolution.  What is yours?


PS - Reed college really does have great food...and the "table"...you'll know what I mean if you watch the movie.  http://www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com/.  Go see it - and see it soon.  It's one of those non-cheesy independent films that we need to support.  Really.  Go.  Go already!

Season of Waiting

Life is about seasons.  Many a time in the mist of something I don't know how long the season will be.  God seems to not reveal deadlines or changes right away.  I'm reminded of Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 in that "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens".  When I read the passage I see a juxtaposition of hard & easy; good and bad; lovely and challenging.  

I'm in a season of waiting.  

Waiting.  

Not knowing.  

Anticipating.  

I don't know how my life will end up exactly.  I can only trust that in the waiting God will use it for His glory.  There are lessons to be learned for sure...some of them I'm already learning, others still to come.  

I'm waiting for one thing then another was stacked upon that.  I imagine myself in an enormous floor to ceiling dark wood bookcase library filled with big leather bound pages in which God lays in my arms one book labeled "Relationship".  Then I watch Him as He climbs up the ladder to choose another.  This time marked "Work".  

Yours could be different.  Perhaps you have more books piled high in your arms.  

Whatever the case I realize that I can't do this.  I hope you do too.  I can't hold these thick heavy books in my hands alone.  That's when God comes back over when I call on Him.  "Lord, please help me I need you".  He does.  He has me sit down beside him as he opens up the pages and reveals things I don't want to see.  I'd rather run away.  Hide.  Sleep.  Anything to get away from dealing with pain.  Hardship.  Hurt.  Gently and graciously He leads to to rest in His pasture.  To not hold on tightly to things that I want.  To allow Himself to be revealed.  

It's beautiful.  It's hard.  

More Than Physical

Kelly Clarkson's lyrics "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is just a bit ironic today.  I love hearing this song at my 5:30 AM workout and it's fun to break out in dance with my girls whenever it comes on.  It's motivation to push myself physically.


Today was my bi-weekly weigh-in and I only lost 2.5 lbs as I've sacrificed double workouts to focus on other things...then there's been more eating out than my typical "home-exercise-work-home and repeat" routine I had been on.  Yet, I am still getting it done.  There's been days that I splurge on dessert but honestly when I watch my calories and eat a few bites I feel ok with allowing myself a treat.  


One thing I've struggled with is emotional eating.  Eating when I'm sad.  Eating when I'm happy.  Eating when I'm full.  Eating just to eat.  I've been more intentional about enjoying my food and eating smaller meals.  Yesterday was emotional but I didn't think about eating to fill a void.  I simply rested in God TRUSTING in His sovereign plan.  It felt awesome to go directly to Him for all my needs big and small.  

This is a spiritual journey for me and a bonus is the weight loss.  I'm not only focusing on the physical b/c it seems superficial to be obsessed with counting calories, putting myself on a scale and working out 5-6 times a week.  It's more about the  process of wanting to be refined like gold.  I want to consider it pure joy...whenever [I] face trails of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of [my] faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that [I] may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  -James 1:2 -4 NIV.  Whether that is a personal or physical situation I hope that I can walk it out in a way that ultimately glorifies God no matter what the end result.  

It's challenging.  Sometimes it involves making difficult decisions.  Doing the hard thing.  Aligning the heart, mind and spirit with my actions.  

MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods

Wisdom Is A Verb

Ironic.  I asked for wisdom.  I got it.  Then I had to actually use it.  

What is wisdom if you simply think about it?  It's a noun but in my book it's a verb.  It's not just a thing, it's an action.  The hard part for me is doing the opposite of my flesh.  To turn away for the antonyms of "stupidity" and "ignorance" (aren't those words great?) and having the knowledge of what is true and right.  

Wisdom is hard.  

It involves will-power.  Self-control.  Discipline.  Things that are good.  But.  It.  Is.  Hard.  So.  Hard.


Wisdom is more than being surrounded by intelligent facts or smart people.  It takes work to be wise.  I by no means have this perfected.  I would much rather do something based on a feeling.  I've been praying James 1:5, "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who give generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him".  The real test is walking out the knowledge I have gained.  It sucked.  


I was recently given a situation to put me at a crossroads.  I had two choices.  Walk wise or unwise.  Be strong or be weak.  Trust God or trust myself.  I felt like I was in the middle of a busy street and I had to make a quick choice in the moment.  It was stressing me out.  My flesh was saying the opposite of my mind.  I realized in that moment that once I start down the path of stupidity then it is much much harder to get out of the hole.  If I put healthy boundaries on the path then I acknowledge the problem and do something about it.  I step over the hole, I go around it, I do whatever I can to avoid getting stuck.  The indecision sucked.  The end result was peace.  

The situation challenged me to focus on God, not self.  To allow the process to refine me and develop a deeper dependence on Him who I need to ultimately trust.  To know that I have choices to make every day, I simply need to chose this day whom I will serve.  

Expectations vs Standards

Let's talk about relationships.  The other day a friend's boyfriend whom I don't even know told her that I have high expectations in a guy.  It was a random opinion b/c we have never met or talked with each other.  He based his judgement on me being 33...and he's 31.

My quip back was "Of course I do"!

His nonchalant judgement hurt a bit.  He doesn't know me.  Or my story.  I didn't feel a huge need to defend myself because God knows my heart's desires.  I wait.  I am not sitting on the sidelines waiting for marriage.  I actively pursue opportunities professionally & personally.  I put myself out there in dating.  I pray that I become a woman after God's own heart.  Yet, I am not perfect.  And that is okay.

This morning I realize that I need to change my word from "expectations" to "standards" as I listened to Sara Groves on Boundless.org podcast #209.  She talked about those two words and how we need to “Let life unfold" without expectations but to have high standards.  Her thoughts were exactly what I was thinking.  We should all have high standards for a dating relationship but let go of our expectations.  Expectations put the other person at a disadvantage from the start because if they don't meet our requirements than we judge them.  Standards make sure that we aren't settling for just anyone and within that context then we discover who they are without judgement.

Expectations seem self-centered.  It's needy.  "What can I get from this relationship?" is the theme rather than "What can I gain from this relationship"?

On a larger scale, this can go for any relationship.  I used to have huge expectations on family and friends.  When I didn't get my needs met from them than I was hurt and disappointed.  Ultimately, for any relationship we need to allow God to do the work in all of our lives.  I don't need to try to control a situation but allow God to guide & direct the path.  To walk through the open doors.  To go to Him when doors close.  To not give up.  To pursue life - life to the full.  To know above all the challenges of this life that God has our best interests in mind and His ways are so much better than the world's.

Two words.  Two different meanings.

Spiritual Food

Today was my 4th weigh-in for the Newberg Graphic team challenge that started 2 months ago.  I was absolutely shocked today by the difference two weeks can make.  My last weigh in I only lost a mere 1 lb b/c I had made a mistake in how I was counting calories on myfitnesspal.  I was maintaining instead of losing.  After a feeling of disappointment, I moved ahead not letting that stop me.  Yet.  I was out-of-town 6 days within the last two weeks and working out but not feeling like I lost anything.

I got on the scale...moving the ticker to the right again and again...nothing.  Dang.

Trying it again with some frustration over my problem areas I thought "Well...I guess I'll try going to the left".  Hello!  Konnichiwa!  I LOST 6.5 lbs!  Yeah baby!!

Workout:
-  5 days/week circuit training days
-  A few times a week small treadmill runs of 2 - 3 miles
-  1 day a week doing the half marathon training schedule.  Last Sat was 7 miles!

Food:
-  Yesterday I committed myself to a liquid fast to discipline myself holistically.  It felt good to consider all day that spiritual food is worth more than anything.  I met a friend around dinner time - I debated about what to do but once I shared it it ended up not being a big deal.  I know I shouldn't feel bad about sticking to my goals.  I'm slowly learning that it's good to take care of myself and it gives me the freedom and confidence to serve others.

-  These last few weeks there have been several meals out but I've tried to share dishes or take half home

-  Eating every two hours small meals  - really helps me feel like I'm in control and I'm not stuffing myself

-  Not keeping much food in my kitchen helps a ton too!

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Lucky 7

I'm liking the #7 at the moment - especially after running...yes RUNNING 7 straight miles today.

Since I'm on a seven obsession, here's 7 Things I LOVED About Today:
7.  Waking up early at my friend's house and having some quality time to journal & pray.
6.  Running 7 miles (71 mins) outside with a friend.
5.  Reunion with friends that I haven't seen in ages - sooo good for my spirit & soul!
4.  Talking with a friend on the phone while I drove up to P-Town.  It was so good to connect with her and laugh about life.
3.  Celebrating a friend's wedding day - her relationship is an example of encouragement to me as she walked it out with such purity.  I loved hearing the pastor say "Love is not a noun.  Love is a verb".  Amen!
2.  Funtastico spontaneous adventure to Portlandia-ish being super goofy.  I love knowing that no matter the distance of friendships the best ones are those that pick right back up as if it was yesterday.  And new friends are always welcome...esp if they are as crazy as us!
1.  Knowing at the end of the day that I am blessed, blessed indeed.

Soul-Work

Sometimes it's hard (ok...most times) to quiet my spirit.  To not think about all the things I have going on and start going through my emails and to-do list before my QT with GOD.  I'm a work in progress.  So today I sit in my hotel's lobby at 7:45 AM and quiet my being in order to have do some soul-work before I start work-work.

It is well with my soul.  

In Sacred Space today I liked this:   I attend to the shadows and what they say to me, seeking healing, courage, forgiveness. 

My shadows are impatience and busyness.  Not necessarily being too busy but filling my empty time to the extreme with things that aren't soul-worthy.  In saying this I finally figured out what I want to give up for Lent.  Internet TV shows, especially on Hulu.  I watch way too many shows on here.  

I'm learning about Lenten Season, a liturgical practice that I'm unfamiliar with.  I attended Ash Wednesday's chapel at work and was reminded that this is a time to really consider what Christ did for me by dying on the cross and rising again.  And that I need to slow down my spirit in order to be centered on Him.  

So, today will mark my decision to abstain from Internet TV shows so that I can learn to focus on going deeper with God.


Workout
Wogging on the treadmill:  3.12 miles, 45 mins


Weights:  15 mins


I'm on a work conference in CA with students - luckily I stay at a hotel while the students stay at Biola University being hosted by their students.  There's a tiny gym here...I really missed my daily X-Camp workout.  I 

That Went Swimmingly

I've been mentally and emotionally exhausted lately...you know that feeling that you could be on the verge of sick if you don't take care of yourself?  That's how I've been feeling.  Not sick but knowing I really need to sleep much more than five or six hours.  My body needs sleep 8 - 9 hours but I don't usually allow myself this much or I'd have to be in bed by 9 PM and that's hard for me to do.

I REALLY craved pizza today.  At work I went to say "hi" to a dept and found out they were having a pizza chat session.  I love pizza a lot - esp on a cold day like today.  The smell wafted of carbs - hot crust, melted cheese...hmm.  I almost asked for a piece.  Almost.  Instead I headed to my office and had an unappealing spinach & cooked veggies lunch along with an apple.  I knew that if I moved pass my initial craving that it might go away.  It didn't but at least I didn't have time tonight to think about it.

I wasn't sure I was going to exercise today but I had literally last night told my friend I wanted to go swimming with her at our local pool, so that afternoon I made plans to meet up with her.  The thing is that I planned to meet up with some students for a Black History Month celebration dinner and an interview - it was really casual, not an event I needed to be at but wanted to support their endeavor.  In my mind I had planned to stay for 1 - 1.5 hrs...but I decided to value my health and make a compromise to myself.

Workout

Lap swim, 60 mins, 40 laps = 1000 yards.  I haven't swam laps since perhaps I was in Japan in 2002 when my swimmer friend & I bought swim caps, a requirement in Japanese pools, and goggles.  I haven't used either of these for 10 years!   The water's bouncy is so nice on my knees and it felt like the elongated strokes were making me lean.  I even got a few stroke lessons from my friend which I desperately needed.  It was a nice switch up to my routine...I just might be doing this a bit more consistently!  

Food

Dinner at Bon Appetit (which I think is an amazing company!  They use local & sustainable methods and I love our manager, he's always encouraging of whatever type of food we want to have prepared.)  Tonight was Southern cooking!  A small piece of fried chicken, roasted chicken, 2 pieces of shrimp w/ 2 tbsps of grits, 1/4 cup of gluten-free macaroni.  It helped that I used 2 mini sampler plates and didn't have time to go back for more.  I am realizing that I can eat a little bit of an indulgence if I keep my portion size small.  I didn't go over my calories or fat for the day although I went over in protein but I'm okay with that b/c I am more careful with the calories and fat.  

Hearts to the World

When we serve others through "love"liness we shine a little bright encouragement into their world.

My email box has some Valentine Day reminders from marketers trying to sell me something, except for Red Cross who wanted to show appreciation.

"Every day, Red Cross supporters like you open your hearts to the world - and when you do, you change lives."

This reminds me of how we should live our lives.  Here's the quote modified:

"Every day you open your hearts to the world - and when you do, you change lives."

"Love"ly Day

When you hear the phrase "Happy Valentine's Day" what does it conjure up in your mind?  Loneliness?  Regret?  Happiness?  Joy?  Many a year as a singleton it can be a dreaded holiday not having found my "true love".  In the few relationships I've had I've never celebrated V-day with a special someone.  I'm a total romantic at heart.  I want the fairy tale romance of being swept off my feet.

Then again, I have.

I am in love.

I am content.

I am happy.

I am joyful.

I hope you are too.  Find the love in today at whatever life stage you are in.  I have discovered that I'm to love God, myself and others.  When I think about my journey with God, all else fades away.  I am not thinking about what I don't have but what I do have.  I have a lot of love in my life.

This morning I woke up with intentionality - to see, give, and find love today.  Not in the romantic way (although I am open to the idea...hint hint!) but in the phileo and agape way.  I woke up at 5 AM with conflicting emotions of joy yet sadness.  Joy knowing that my life is not my own but a reflection of Christ to others.  Sorrow for those who don't yet know how much they are loved unconditionally.  Not by a relationship.  Not by what someone does for you.  Not by having a brand-name limited edition whatchamacallit.  By God - and Him alone.

I am learning to love myself.  My imperfections.  My image.  Yet also knowing that my body is a temple and I'm to honor God with it, 1 Cor 6:19-20, I need to not forget that it is okay to take care of myself as long as it's in a healthy way.  And ultimately knowing that my confidence comes from God.

Today was wonderful.  I lived in the moment.

It started off with a one-on-one meeting with my boss.  I let him know that I was thankful for working on his team.  I have learned most of what I know about the field I work in through him.  He has challenged me in areas of weakness and acknowledged my strengths.  He had encouraging words for me saying "I have seen growth in you", referring to my professional development from when I first started till now.  Those words were meaningful.

I saw love through my college students.  My favorite sight was a group of guys who dressed up all swag in red and black with ties & bow ties - they were fully living into Valentine's Day not fearing the dread of being single.  It was a picture of confidence in who they were no matter what season of life.  I spontaneously invited students to come meet with me in the commons area for a 2 hr window to chat, get a hand hug (it's a revolution that I'm starting where you high-five with a little extra, you need to experience it yourself in person!), a regular hug and/or to have some chocolate.  I wanted to give them love.

Towards the end of my time I got a text from a friend saying "If I happen to be in [your town] where would I find you"?  Then she shows up a few minutes later with a pink little gift bag, a sweet encouraging card and a beaded bracelet.  I wondered aloud why she was here...she lives about 25 mins away & it's in the opposite direction of where she usually drives...and she specifically came to see me!  I wish I could've spent more time with her but I was going to a meeting.  Her gesture of intentionality spoke volumes to my heart.  She's a friend that I don't see often but has been there through the ups & downs of my relationship statuses.  Her and her husband love on me like crazy - last year her hubby told my friend to take me on a V-Day date since he was out-of-town and I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 9 months.  Her partner is like a brother that I never had.

I head to my dept meeting and a colleague-friend is the delivery gal for another colleague-friend, handing me a red rose with a paper of an original poem written from God's perspective.  I feel overwhelmingly blessed.

Even in the simple things I saw love.  From the stranger that opened a door for me.  To the colleague-friends that I met up with at a coffee shop.  We were each doing our work but the company of another was love in itself.  Love doesn't have to involve diamond rings.  Love in it's simplest form is caring for another without expectation of anything in return.

This Is the Way, Walk In It

This morning's message is brought to you from Isaiah 30:21, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'".  I got an email this morning from Queen of the High Road (QHR) for my half marathon training with this verse.  It greatly encouraged me, as I know that what I'm doing is not just a physical challenge but a mental and ultimately spiritual endeavor.  I know I've said it before and I'll say it a million times over, this is not just about losing weight.  I am so frustrated with my attempts just to diet.  Without the spiritual element then it's just about my outer body that ages every day.  This would be about my image and what the media tells me I'm suppose to be. Well, I don't get my confidence from celebrities or photos of a size 0.  What lasts is so much deeper.  So much.

I love Mandisa's lyrics and attitude - she says what I'm thinking.

The Definition Of Me 

Everbody's got an opinion
Of what they want me to be.
Everybody's got a condition
That I may never meet.

So tired of lookin in the mirror
It always says the same thing
I wanna be about somethin different
Somethin more than the mirror can see.

Like Joy, Peace
Alive in me.
When it comes to my identity.

I want the love.
I want the life.
I want the beauty only inside.
I want the one that you can't see.
To be the definition of me.
More than the face.
More than the girl.
More than the voice.
More than the world.
I want the truth that I believe.
To be the definition of me.

Pretty is cool for a minute
But it always fades away.
Trends are hot for a second
Then they're gone the very next day.

So before you get lost in the moment
Let's get one thing clear.
That love will last forever.
It's the reason that we're here.

It's up to you.
Cause everybody's lookin.
How do you want them to see? (yea)

I want the love.
I want the life.
I want the beauty only inside.
I want the one that you can't see.
To be the definition of me.
More than the face.
More than the girl.
More than the voice.
More than the world.
I want the truth that I believe.
To be the definition of me.

Said I'm cute with the boots
And the trendy attire.
Said they're kinda remanicin
Bout a younter Maraya.
But do they see beyond what I got
What I rock.
They'd be shocked if they knew
It was my soul that was hot.
Boys won't effect my own self respect.
And neither do the magazines at Vanity Tech.
Yo Disa make a list of what's fly
And what's next.
Start it off with Joy, Peace,
And end it with Blessed.

I want the love.
I want the life.
I want the beauty only inside.
I want the one that you can't see.
To be the definition of me.
More than the face.
More than the girl.
More than the voice.
More than the world.
I want the truth that I believe.
To be the definition of me.

I want you to be my definition.
De-de-definition.
Want you to be my definition.
Definition of me.
I want you to be my definition.
De-de-definition.
Want you to be my definition.
Definition of me.

Workout:
-  X-Camp circuit training, 60 mins

-  Treadmill, 3 km, 20 mins

Internal Tantrum

Not.  Feeling.  It.  Today.  

Today was the first time that I really really wasn't motivated to workout.  I should've gone to sleep earlier. I woke up late.  I got to the gym late.  I was sore from yesterday's workouts.  I was dragging.  Internally I'm just a fireball of negativity.  Do you ever have days like that?  

I kept repeating to myself "positivity, positivity, positivity" hoping that my feelings would change.  Alongside comes my Gym Momma who consistently encourages me by saying "You can do it", "You can do anything for [fill in the blank with "one minute", "2 more rounds", "250 meters" and other Gym Momma-isms.]  I felt like I was having an internal tantrum of refusing to push myself, especially on the timer.  Sometimes our timer is not a clock but one of the circuit stations.  The timer station is one where I go full force knowing that my buddies are counting on me to get it down fast.  

Today's timer station was 10 squat jumps onto a tire (by tire I mean a gigantic 150-175 lbs or a smaller 50-60 lbs), flipping the tire 5 times and finally doing 10 more squat jumps onto the tire.  I chose the smaller one 'cause I failed at lifting the other one even a centimeter off the ground - I gave it a go just to see but not a thing budged!  Gym Momma's voice of support majorly helped get me through my 3rd round on the timer.  This reminds me of life.  

We all need people in our lives that challenge us to exceed our comfort zones, to encourage us when we are weak, and to cheer us on through difficult times.  Who are those people in your life?  

If you don't know the Enneagram you should check it out.  You can also get free daily email thoughts for your personality type.  I loved today's encouragement, We must be willing to be uncomfortable for a while if we wish to be released from whatever has bound us. (Understanding the Enneagram, 361).  I'm being released from my bound of gluttony.  From indifference.  From negativity.  So that I can be free - free indeed.  

Workout:

-  X-Camp circuit training, 60 mins

-  Elliptical, 0.80 miles, 15 mins

Food:

I'm way under calories today.  I ended up coming home and not feeling good so I took a sick day and slept for 7 hours!  Let's hope I can sleep tonight.  

-  Dinner tonight:  Miso soup with a ton of veggies.  Very very low calorie and filling with the liquid.  I still have a major headache so I'm drinking water and am going to have an Arbonne chocolate protein shake with Oregon strawberries.  Not only will it taste good and have a ton of nutrition but it's a sweet treat that's good for me.  Yum yum!

Lost & Found

A few things that weigh 6 pounds:  World's Tiniest Horse, World's Lightest Bike, Dumbbells.

One thing that weighs 6 pounds less:  ME!

I started this journey on January 10th, four weeks ago and I'm feeling GREAT!  I didn't go to bed till 12 AM this morning...5 hrs of sleep.  Yet I practically leaped out of bed like it was my birthday, excited to get weighted in!  I really had no idea how much I lost.  Stepping on the scale this morning and being confused that is wasn't balancing, my trainer had to push the scale tracker more to the left!  My insides feel great too - so bonus!  I seem to always have a bloated belly and looking in the mirror this morning it wasn't so bubbly.  My personality = bubbly.  My belly = not so much.

I'm proud of my team - everyone lost something that we don't ever want to reclaim!  We are finding that it's well worth the early mornings, hard workouts, and healthy eating.

Workout:
-  X-Camp circuit training, 60 mins:  There wasn't enough people for the relay races so I was a solo racer.  I hated it.  I pushed myself, made my trainer encourage me (Yes, I requested verbal words of affirmation! You gotta ask for what you want!), and went full speed...but it's just not the same when there's no partner competition.  Despite it, I worked it hard.

-  Elliptical, 3 miles, 43 mins

-  After the wog, I was still feeling energized and I REALLY wanted to get my groove on.  So I headed to the dance studio with my i-pod to do some choreography...but a class was about to begin and there wasn't any other private space.  Next time....or maybe in my living room tonight.

MyFitnessPal - Free Weight Loss Tools

Doctor Coffee

Coffee keeps the doctor away...or so I've heard.  Was it just the other day that I said I'd do anything legal and to a point?  My nonchalant statement got tested today.

A picture and some websites here and here should make it pretty clear what I learned about at 6:30 AM and did at 10 PM.

Brewing organic dark caffeinated coffee at my friend's home
during a break in my day.  I have work till 9:30 PM so I'm
wondering if my sensitivity to caffeine will affect my sleep

tonight...I guess I'll find out!

Let me tell ya - although it may sound strange, I've been wanting to do this for years as I heard cleansing is good for the body...I just didn't know how till my teammates' courage gave me the motivation to try it myself.

I do want to clarify.  Although I'm having a good laugh at crazy antics, the goal is not to only lose weight.  I've been on many a diet.  I've failed many a time.  My ultimate goal is to be more Christ-like.  To learn discipline.  Self-control.  Persistence.  And any other qualities that I have yet to be aware that I need.

Chop Chop

Got my first weigh-down haircut.  Oh - you don’t know what that is?  Chop chop...I’ll do anything (well...legal and to a point) to win this weight loss challenge for my team! The 2nd weigh-in is three days from now...and every ounce counts! We get weighed every two weeks - and heck yeah, I'm a girl that needed a haircut. Bonus is that I'm a few more hairs lighter! I think I made the hairdresser's day with my weigh down strategy.


Next up: Going bald.

Of course I'm also in the grind - it was a LOVELY and I mean super duper lovely sunny day with a high of 57 degrees...and it's winter! It started off with my zumba friend being recently certified so I was her first student for 60 mins of sweaty fun. She's gonna be a great instructor, especially for kiddos.

In the afternoon my friend agreed to go running with me outdoors so that I could start my first day of half-marathon training. I'm following the Sole Sisters training schedule of 3 miles today. We are over-achievers so we did 3.77 miles...well in actuality the only way to get back to her house was to keep going. We jogged the whole 3 miles...I had a blister from last week that was getting worse, but I refused to stop till we hit the 3 mile marker. Then we cooled down by doing the last bit walking.

I'm so happy! My endorphins are up with the yellow ball in the sky + dance + running + great friends.


Workout: 
- Zumba, 60 mins
- Running/Walking, 43 mins


Food:
- Requested a bubble tea with minimal sugar.  You've gotta go to The Place To Be if you are ever in Canby, OR. Love their atmosphere but even better is their soft tapioca bubbies except today they didn't have them so she suggested jellies - but I found out they are sugar filled. Bummer. But it saved me some calories. The lady made me a concoction that I dreamed up: Pomegranate green tea, a bit of non-fat milk, a tiny scoop of cane sugar all blended so you get icies instead of chunks of ice. Yum yum!
- Panini sandwich - soft white bread not so good but I requested no cheese...and I LOVE melted cheese so that was a sacrifice
- Said "no" to a tempting chocolate chip cookie bite
- Chose tea over coffee at Starbucks
- Brought healthy snacks from home since I was out all day
- Dinner at Red Robins b/c my friend was craving it. I figured I could find something healthy. When I asked about the wraps (thinking it was a good choice) the waiter said the wrap alone has 400 calories BEFORE anything goes on it. That's insane. I ended up with the Apple Harvest Chicken salad replacing the dijon dressing with a balsamic vinaigrette.


So I got home tonight and did a little internet research and realize that even the salads are horrible and I'm horrified. Red Robin's Customizer:

Red Robin Sandwiches and Wraps

	calories	fat
Caesar’s Chicken Wrap	850	43
Whiskey River BBQ Chicken Wrap	1119	62

Red Robin Salads

	calories	fat
Apple Harvest Chicken Salad – modified no bread, lighter dressing	530	29

Lesson learned. Be careful of what I may think is healthy, esp at a restaurant. Not only ask a ton of questions but look up nutritional values online or on my phone. Spend a few more mins doing this to make good choices. Next time at RR - just a glass of H2O on the rocks.

Dining In

Second day in a row that I've had major headaches.  I'm not sure I'm eating enough during the day.  Perhaps this is also a sugar headache that I need to let my body filter out...I don't know.  I left work at 2 PM to sleep it off.

Tonight was my first dinner gathering since starting my weight loss challenge.  A few friends & I have a tradition of going to our university work events - plays, concerts, sports games - and having a meal beforehand.  There was talks of us going out but I decided that I would save money and calories by cooking myself.  I was ok with what everyone else decided but it ended up being five of us lovelies gathered around my dining table with a healthy spread.

Healthy b/c I intentionally sent my friends an email asking them to support me in my endeavors - but also allowing them to bring whatever they wanted b/c I was learning to have self-control.  My dining table was filled with a crockpot whole chicken tomato simmerie; a platter of sliced pears, nutty cheese and homemade coated peacans; quinoa salad with tomatoes, red onion, olives, peas; fresh red grapes; and sushi.  I had one slice of sushi.  Just one.  It was hard.  But when I put it into myfitnesspal and it had 50 calories, I decided to treat myself to one.  Anyone who knows me knows I love sushi...it's my nickname.

Alas, there was variety so I didn't feel deprived.

After our event, I came back home and ate 2 cups of quinoa salad at 10 PM.  I went over 187 calories by dong so.  I need to work on my self-control.  I didn't need it but wanted it.  And if anything I could've had 1 cup instead and been fine.  Argh.  I know what to do but my emotions take over the knowledge.

DTR - It's Worth It

Oh how I missed you.  I'd like to restart a relationship with you again, Zumba.  How about a DTR?  I was thinking today that I really need to define the relationship that I have with my health, not just my love for the Latin-inspired dance class.  My health has been moderately important - my brain knew what to do, eat healthy and workout, but my actions were based on how I was feeling that day.  This is changing in me.  I've been working out despite the early mornings, the cold, the rain, the snow, my lack of sleep...the list is embarrassingly long.  My health has now become a top priority.  And it's worth it.  

Before:  I would have the worse excuses, including that I didn't have someone to exercise with.  If a friend canceled then I wasn't motivated to always go.  

Now:  A friend cancelled going to zumba with me and for a sec there I debated in my head if I should go. Then I said "Self.  You go.  It's your health".  Plus, I really missed dancing - the freedom it gives me to feel sexy.  Yes I just said that word.  It's true.  I could never move my hips before learning zumba.  The connection I have with zumba goes back to my days of feeling so blah about my body.  And Christians dancing so provocatively?  It gave me a boast in my self-image, it helped me to be confident in who I am right now not the future.  To love my body and love myself.  

So, Zumba, I won't forget what you allowed me to be.  A woman who learned to love.  

I do have to admit though that I've had to move on...it's not you.  It's me.  My left knee can't handle you all the time.  Can we still be friends?  Hang out on occasion?  

Workout:

-  X-Camp circuit training, 60 mins

-  Treadmill, 30 mins

-  Stretching, 30 mins

-  Zumba, 60 mins

Sign-Ups Galore

I'm doing it.  No excuses.  I sorta kinda occasionally like to run.  I've done two 5ks but this is stepping it up.  I want to challenge myself.  To know that I can finish.  To exceed the limits I put on myself.  Sign ups began today for the Queen of the High Road Half Marathon (QHR), $30.  13.1 miles.  My friend said I can "wog" it - walk/jog and it's not as competitive as others.  A woman's only event w/ a tiara for those who finish.  Oh you bet that motivates me...even if it's from the dollar store!

How does one train for a half marathon?  By signing up right after for an 8k!  Google told me it's 4.96 miles.  Shamrock Run Portland, $32.  Get a five buck discount by using Team #9205.

Now.  How the heck do I train for an 8k?

Here's what I'm doing so far:
-  Accountability:  Telling everyone I know and using social media.  Putting things on FB highly motivates me to not quit.

-  Tracking my food & exercise:  My gym buddies are getting a $170ish Bodymedia armband, it sounds awesome.  You wear it all the time and it syncs to the online website to track your sleep, fitness and calories.  Here's a ditty I just made up.  Sing to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town".
It knows when you're sleeping
It knows when you're awake
It knows when you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

Well.  I want one.  I do.  But I'm also trying to be financially debt-free.  AND I have a Nike I-Pod tracking device.  Brand-new in it's box from 3 years ago...or longer.  I'm not sure I've even once opened the package.  I've gotten advise to track with a FREE website .  First day and I'm loving it.  You have got to find what works for you.  I am visual so I need clear reminders all the time.  I just need to be diligent.

MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter

Just Say "No"

4 hrs of sleep and I still got up at 5 AM to workout at 5:30 AM.  I have gym buddies that I can't let down.  I worked it pretty good and I'm glad I showed up.  Isn't that half of life?  Showing up.  Being present even when you aren't "feeling" it.  And you never know.  In the end you may just end of having a great time.  I can say that about my x-camp, a circuit training bootcamp.

Before having gym buddies I would make excuses "it's too cold", "I'm too tired", "It's too early".  Well I'm taken control of my health.  On days like today when I'm not feeling it I go anyways.  And I felt awesome during and after the burn.  

The biggest struggle for me is at the end of the day when I'm at home.  I sometimes even avoid going home b/c I know I just sit around eating.  

Long Pause

I got over internet blogging about dating & marrying well...and I was about to begin...but then...then...eh.  Long pause.  I didn't know what to say.  I know, I know.  If you know me, you know that I like to verbally process.  I also like to write things out.  It helps me to think.  To ponder. 

Yet, the thinking has stayed in my head.  So here's my head on paper.  (I hope I don't get a headache!)  That was such a duh joke.  Sorry.  See?  That's what happens when you get me going!

Here's the thing.  I only want to write things that would be edifying.  That would help others to learn and grow.  I don't want to write about friends as I value their trust in me.  What would I write about in my lack of a love life?  Okay, there may be some good stories but again it goes back to not wanting to bash men.  Not my intent at all. 

So here's some ideas I've been mulling over:
*  Comment on articles I read
*  Ask friends to write a piece
*  Write "anonymously", if I use this method perhaps I shouldn't put it on here...
*  Find a love interest and ask their permission to tell some
*  Write "Dear _____" letters, using highly secretive code names


I think I'll start with a piece of my own journey and see where it leads.


-Sushishelley

Fear Not: A Mini Autobiography

I have this fear.  Yet I have this passion.  So now I'm letting go of the fear and writing about the passion.

Woo.  Give me a sec.  Ok.  Here goes all.

My passion is relationships.  To see healthy and whole relationships.  The funnest - yes, I just said that and I'm told (by me) that I can since it is my blog and all - topic is DATING.  Yep.  I love talking, reading, writing, thinking, and talking some more about dating & marrying well.

The fear:  As a 30-ish singleton I will be a spinster for life.  By talking about marrying I will avoid marriage all together.  Then again, I have inspiration in my life.  Most recent is Ally Spotts and her now fiancé Darrell Vesterfelt.  Ally talked about singleness...and is now getting married!  I thought to myself, "ok, if she can do it" then I can do it.  Plus, Darrell had some great male posts on her site about relationships.  I'd been thinking of asking them how to get started, but I was scared.  Then the craziest thing happen.  They showed up in my small town and the coffee shop I was drinking my latte at.  They were my singleton "idols", okay people it's in quotes so don't worry.

I did go over and say "hi".  But that was about it.  I was all trying to be nonchalant about meeting them.  I knew within myself that I just had to put myself out here in the WWW.

So...here I am.

Lives of Margin

Effervescent.  That’s what I was labeled today.  

Having been drenched in the fickle Oregon weather then semi-drying out and intermixing with new students & parents, I was quickly heading into my building. 

Giving an older man that I knew the obligatory wave of hello before going up the stairs, I had a brain-pause.  A stop button on tasks to relationships.  It became what I'd later find out as my "margin".  Pastor is his name--yet I've known him from brief encounters over the years, mostly when I was an undergrad and he was an employee.  I come to find out his daughter will be a freshman at the university--he admitted to skipping some of the parent sessions which is probably why I found him sitting in a couch.

I was standing--thinking this would be a short encounter as I thought of my work to-do list--yet eventually sat beside him soaking up his wisdom with a glint of tears in my eyes.  Pastor and I have never had such a deep and meaningful conversation, one that shepherded me into a time of selah--a pause--in the middle of my work day.  It was as if he knew what I needed to hear before I fully knew.  That's the power of God.  All-knowing and using His people to edify others. 

He mentioned seeing me around town--at a coffee shop, on campus, or with our mutual family friends--and called me effervescent.  The word flooded my soul with much needed water.  Pastor didn't know about the harsh comments put upon me or a recent evaluation of my lack of.  The pressure that comes with relationships.  The spotlight that I bear.  The negative labels.  Yet, he knew. 

Pastor inquired into my job which led into my confession of a challenging last year with my job being interim to unknown to permanent.  The most difficult part throughout the last two years though is find a balance, especially as a single person, taking time for my health & hobbies outside of the professional world. 

With his soothing calm way about him he reaches into his backpack and shares, "Do you see this journal that I write in?  I write to the edges."  Then he pulls out a university flyer to explain, "But this, this has a margin.  We need to live our lives with margin."

Wow.  My reminder for the day is to walk slower.  Walk my life in a way that I have margin to give.  Receive.  Bless.

Phileo to Agape

I want to encourage those who are single that dating can and should be fun! I see the process of dating as one in which I can know myself better, gain insight and ultimately know Christ more.

I want my focus to be on God foremost. It's not always easy when I get wrapped up in the excitement of it all. But I believe my purpose (our purpose) on Earth is to illuminate God's name and bring others into a right relationship with Him. I know this can be done through the dating process, as I see dating as not just between two people but within a community. 

Ok, don't get all worked up just yet, but if we really think about it, all of our lives are being watched by others whether we realize it or not. People want to know how we will react to our circumstances. I'm a connector at heart--I see how whatever I do affects one and another. So I want to lead my life in a way that I'll have no regrets. That I can look back with pride. But I'm also not perfect...I have a few past experiences that I wish I could change.

A great example of a guy that I sincerely admire is "Texan" (you ain't about to know his real name, as I will never use real names unless given permission). Texan was a true Southern gentleman. After much conversation he chose to not pursue something with me because he wasn't ready. Sure it was hard as we had developed a closeness as we talked about deep spiritual things, yet could also laugh & joke in the next moment.

With any relationship, we need to give each person the freedom to choose. I needed to love him enough to move past filio to agape. Agape is unconditional love and seeks the other person's best interests, not our own.

Pacifist or Passive?

Something in me has been brewing over the years with a desire to know our roles as Christian men and women, as it's been so confusing as of late. We don't need the world's view but a biblical view. Too often we place our own ideas, our own concepts into spiritual terms, but really, "What is God's view on relationships"?

I don't fully understand, so I need to do more bible search.

The one thing I'm really passionate about is learning how to do relationships in a way that edifies our brothers. That supports our sisters. That grows each one of us into a more intimate relationship with Christ.

Currently, I'm mulling over opposite sex friendships. When I was younger I always wanted some male friends to hang out with. I saw these confident gals having conversations (ok, perhaps they were flirting) and I wanted to be like them. These days, as a 30 year old, I have changed my outlook on guy friends. I think it's important to be in community with them as there is much I can learn, but I don't believe in one-on-one outings unless they have clarified their intentions. By clarify, I mean that they say, "Would you like to go on a date" versus "Hey, let's hang out".

I don't mind hanging out--it's quite fun with groups. I'm also not a strict legalist. If a male friend flies in from out of town and wants to go to coffee, I'd probably go. What I'm against is coffee every week with a guy who I just hang out with. Where there is no stated intentions.

The emotional intimacy and attachment is much stronger for woman and we need to set our boundaries. I have done a lot of reading on relationships and what it really comes down to in all situations is COMMUNICATION. Too often each side goes on assuming and not really talking. I say this as much for me as for those who've gotten hurt in dating.

Not that anyone's been asking me as of late but explaining my boundaries to a guy brings me this internal stress. It seems like if I don't bring up the subject then it's ignored. Perhaps males don't see boundaries being a problem, I'm really not quite sure. But I believe the time is coming. I've been praying. I think I'm going to have to do the hard thing and say "no" if asked. I'm not sure I want to. I like the idea of hanging out with a guy. Of having a connection. Of feeling that closeness and giddyness. But every time I hurt myself. I also do a disservice to the males b/c I enable them to be passive, to not take risks. And I'm done with that. It's so much easier said than done. Hopefully this verbalization on paper will give me the boldness to do what I really feel I'm to do.

My braining stems from conversations I've had with friends. Recently a male friend talked about how friendships have changed since college. How it needs to be a 2-way street in friendships. But I'm not quite sure it should and can be the same. It sounds like he's hurt that he's having to make all the effort in his friendships. Mind you, he has a lot more woman friends. Herein lies the issue, he considers everyone a friend and in turn he becomes Mr. Nice Guy.

When I think of marriage, I want to be with a Warrior. A risk taker. Not just a nice guy. Nice guys do finish last b/c they don't take risks (within the context of Christian values).

I want a man who does whatever it takes to win my heart. I don't just want to settle with a nice guy. The reason being that marriage is hard and not sing-along musicals like we'd hope. The reality is that a Warrior spirit will fight for me (and you) when challenges come. I don't see nice guys fighting. They aren't just pacifists--they are passive. Two different meanings.

Braining

I'm trying to make sense of what I've been "braining" lately...a word I just made up to mean thinking with the something holistically...not just emotionally but also logically, using both left and right sides and whatever's in-between.

I have got to write about Singleness. My close friends will know that I do a lot of thinking, but perhaps they don't really know that I do A LOT of it with caps. But I'm a bit scared. To write about singleness is putting myself out there. I also have this fear that it will keep me single forever by focusing on Singleness.   So I do want to insert a personal statement...oh wait, this is all personal!  My brainings are all a work in progress. I'm not perfect. What I write about is what I'm dealing with. This blog is my attempt to understand myself better and appreciate others points-of-view.

I Met A Boy!

Yogurtland:  A yummy treat that I couldn't resist
(San Diego, CA)

I chose 3 flavors of yogurt: pineapple, strawberry, tiramisu

Then I added 2 fruit toppings: kiwis, mangos

And topped it with what I call "mochi-mellows"

Asian-fusion! Ohhhh yea!

Where are all the yogurt stores in Oregon? What I mean to say is, where are they near me? Perhaps I should just buy a franchise and start my own. I love ice-cream, yogurt, smoothies--cold things with fruit is the theme.

I discovered a recently opened store called Yogurtland after walking what seemed like miles in my thin flip flops, while in San Diego on a business trip. Just outside the Little Italy arch sign, I was eating my real Italian dins in the lovely cool yet sunny outdoors. I was taking my time and just enjoying the casualness of it all. My favorite part, besides the good food, was getting to know a boy named Michael. He was 22...months old that is. And you thought I actually met a boy. Boy oh boy. He was the cutest and sweetest little thing with curly brown hair, Black and Italian roots--walking around and around the corner sidewalk talking to concrete, rocks, and me. Hopefully he wasn't grouping us all into inanimate objects, but having some conversation, although in Italian, was wonderful.

I needed him. This little boy with his cubby legs and cheeks just looked at me with interest then began our friendship. He was God's little reminder of unconditional love. Of innocence. Of precious gifts. His grandfather sat in a chair a few feet away and let his grandson clammer up to a chair right beside me under my umbrella table. Most parents would scurry over to not have their child bother strangers...but this is Little Italy. And I liked it. I needed a friend. I needed to see God in human form...a child.

A child gives me the sense of belonging. It doesn't matter my issues at the moment, they were washed away.

And then over and over I'm spotting these people with yogurt containers...I thought it was Pinkberry, which is good, but it's not. It's Yogurtland--a sample haven with 8 or 9 self-serve stations. Each station has two flavors or a twist of both in the center. The best part was the sample cups to try before you buy. It was just another couple and I as we sampled and sampled and sampled till I finally picked a tart pineapple, tangy strawberry, and smooth tiramisu. Then I couldn't believe my eyes to see baby mochi. Mochi is pounded rice made into a flour consistency and tends to have a sweet red bean inside for a yummy dessert, yet these were plain mochi.

I nicknamed the babies "mochi-mellows" because they have the look of little marshmellows you'd put into hot cocoa, yet isn't sugary. Anyone had mochi ice-cream before? The ice-cream balls are wrapped in mochi...a treat for sure. Where can I get mochi-mellows? I've never ever seen them so small...