Changes 'A Coming

It's been four years.  4 years in the same town.  3 years in the same duplex.  4 years at the same company, title changed 3 times.  For those of you who have known my previous every year moves there was some "hallelujahs" reining down that I had stayed put.  My hope was to find a community that I could press into.  It hasn't happen.

Well, it's happen.  Just not the way I expected.  

It never really does when one's trying to walk with God.  I had to let go of my expectations of being involved in church like I was previously.  I searched and searched for a church and finally decided that for this season I would attend the one that was good enough.  The pastor spoke truth into my life but my attempts at connections and involvement were frustrating.  I kept asking God what this all meant and came to the conclusion that this season would be about WAITING.  Waiting upon Him who guides and leads.  Waiting to see what doors He'd open.  Waiting for a word.  Waiting in a way that wasn't being lazy but was invested in whatever the Lord had for me.  

Finding A Community

I found a beautiful understanding of community in what I dubbed "living with the senior citizens".  I began to learn what taking care of the widows meant.  I didn't do a consistent job of intentionality.  I failed at times to use my time wisely.  But the God of grace showed me how they became not just my neighbors but my friends.  

I love my 91 year old Eva whom I'd go and chat with on Sunday nights and watch Extreme Home Makeover with her.  Her voice was difficult to understand due to some sort of medical condition but I learned to hear and see her beauty.  Her inner strength and love for God shone through.  She ministered to me.  Eva's the type of person I wanted to sit and glean wisdom from.  She embodied love & faith like long time friends.

Another one of my friends is 80-something Camille with a sense of humor that put old age into a practical no-nonsense business deal.  She was my officially dubbed gardener who loved to make life bloom - figuratively and literally.  When I first met her she knocked on my door and without barely a greeting mentioned that she had planted the flowers around my duplex.  It was clear they were "her" flowers.  And she wanted to make sure I was okay with that.  YES, please garden your heart out (I killed a bamboo once...okay twice)!  Thus began out friendship. 

I'm moving.  It's exciting yet the truth is...I was struggling with guilt.  Guilt that I didn't do enough in the season I lived here.  Guilt that I was so self-focused that I lost my way in serving whole-heartedly.  I really struggled with being a 30-something singleton in a small town.  I invested into work - great and meaningful work - but I somehow lost myself.  Then I realize that although there were some mistakes that I made along the way, my vision of what it means to be the "good Christian" was messed up.  

Ministry In A Different Way

God gave me a ton of ministry.  It just looked completely different than I was use to.  It wasn't a consistent focused ministry, rather I heard stories from all walks of life and through this challenging season grew in relational ministry.  I was put in situations that gave me deep empathy and advocacy to be the voice for underrepresented populations and using my story for His glory.  

I'm moving.  But it's not the pat answer that it's to find balance and be more central to the city that I've been giving.  (I'm not sure why I was even giving that answer.  I was called out on it by a friend and it really made me think that I wasn't being completely honest and sharing for God's glory.)  Sure, that may be a reason or two but the bigger framework is that I am ultimately stepping out in faith to a new community.  I believe there are specific things I'm to be about in my next town...things that haven't been fully revealed yet.  

Changes Not Always What One Thinks

This last year I knew God was telling me that changes would be happening.  I thought it might be moving to a San Diego.  As much as I fell in love with the refugee population, it became clear this wasn't the path.  Then I lost my job due to downsizing so I told God "send me anywhere!"  Ironically, a day later He sent me back to my job into a reconfigured position.  

I've also been praying about using what could seem like my random experiences and combining them for his glory.  Over the last months God has been preparing me but I've been a bit resistant to move forward b/c I wanted to make sure that my motivates were pure and right.  I asked God to confirm the way to walk...actually run.  'Cause I believed that my feet would go full-force into the next season of my life when it was time.  

I still don't know 100% the things God is doing...I'm only seeing a glimpse.  In that 5% one step forward.  In that 10% another step forward.  You see, perhaps what's currently brewing in my brain will be changed once again...and that's okay.  I'm waiting.  I'm listening.  I'm seeking where He is already working and seeing if this is where He wants me to be.  The journey of a Christian is not an easy or perfect life.  Simply a life created to love and serve Him.  And walk (rather run) in it. 

How are you running?