An Oregonian perspective: "Man, we are weird!" and "I live in a bubble - a Christian bubble". For this season I live, work, go to church and just about do everything in a small-town Christian circle. My first instinct is to jump out of the bubble and go "save" some of those Portlanders. To use my Christianize on them. To hand out a salvation flyer.
Then I remind myself to step down off my pedestal. To look at my own self and realize that I'm a human sinner too. As the scenes go by I can't help but think of my experiences in different seasons, especially when I was in graduate school attending a public university in Oregon. One of the most challenging spiritual times as I dialogued with colleagues & faculty with extreme outlooks on life. Yet it became one of my most rewarding spiritual times in that I was challenged to know my faith in a deeper more intimate way. To seek knowledge & truth in the mist of vastly different views. Views that said I wasn't multicultural if I didn't believe what their liberal stances taught. I became disillusioned about working on a master's degree and the reason I was really there.
Ironically I now work at a Christian university where I am the director of multicultural student programs and have found a place at the table. It's taken me a few years to feel like I have a voice...and I'm still a work in progress. In the Christian circle I'm considered moderate-liberal; in the media-saturated-everything-goes world I'm considered ultra-conservative. I can't get it right. People don't like my views on either end.
Yet, if it wasn't for the challenge of having an unbelieving cohort member showing me to be passionate about what I believed...or for an atheist housemate whom argued & yelled at me about religion yet in the next moment wanted to have creative cooking days...or the colleagues who thought me making out with a guy was a rite of passage and didn't understand why I didn't want to bring up a misdeed repetitively...or even someone of a different faith asking if I was going to pray at a meal...if it wasn't for these experiences I wouldn't be where I am today. I would still be stuck in people-pleasing. In fear.
Fear stopped me from being bold. I wanted to be accepted. Liked. I was like the main character Donald Miller, in that my voice was hiding. Sometimes it still does. Yet as I become more self-aware the bad comes with the good. The bitter with the coffee, that's why there is sugar. To find that balance of knowing my weaknesses and living in my strengths. To be more authentic and vulnerable. And these people that I struggled with became my friends. I learned a lot from them...and I hope the same could be said about me.
I had wanted to be this perfect ideal Christian, the facade that I thought the church wanted. With my strengths came my shadowside. The piece of me that didn't want to admit I can't do it all.
YET, in that s p a c e that's where God was showcased.
After the movie ended I wanted to see it again. It's a story that wrestles with issues of the heart. It made me look at my own life to see if I was serving Jesus wholeheartedly. At the core of my being do I have fears that hold me back? I recognized that for this season right where I am is where I need to be. Although I may be surrounded with mostly Christians there are people of varying faith journeys trying to find their identity. Everybody belongs somewhere (Miller). So I don't need to run out and save all the crazies. It's about being diligent in my current area of influence. And to know my true identity.
As I look back on my own life I don't doubt why I was in grad school. It wasn't for the degree as difficult as some academias will fault me for. It was for the experience. The process of finding myself in the mist of conflicting storylines and to come to a resolution. What is yours?
PS - Reed college really does have great food...and the "table"...you'll know what I mean if you watch the movie. http://www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com/. Go see it - and see it soon. It's one of those non-cheesy independent films that we need to support. Really. Go. Go already!
