Finding Community: I said "Yes!"

I said "Yes!"

It wasn't a hard choice.  It felt right.  But more than basing my quick decision on feelings it was my logical response to a deep desire that I have had for years.  The ironic thing about saying "yes" is that sometimes you don't have days or weeks or years to process and discern, then again, I believe you do.

I have many deep desires, some that I share and some that I keep hidden as I wait for an opportunity.  I've said "no" to many potential situations that seemingly could align with my desires but do not give me peace.  It's frustrating at times to feel like I keep coming across a roadblock in my path.  In this tension I continually learn to let go of self as I allow God to guide me so that it's my story for His glory rather than mine.

I had several vulneric [vulnerability + panic] attacks this last week on my vulnerability streak.

First, I talked to HR about a harassment and discrimination issue.  I wasn't hindered from saying anything...till afterwards.

Then I had a serious conversation with a male colleague regarding woman in leadership.  We didn't have a lot of time to process a systemic issue in 15 mins as I tried to share my concerns and the thoughts didn't flow perfectly.

A guest author met with a small group of woman as we shared our personal struggles with the church.  It was bonding and real...but did I really talk about singleness with people whose first names I hardly knew?  

Then I had a email exchange with a male friend and a piece of it was on relationships.  It wasn’t what he said but the connection I made that triggered a sore spot for me.  [Did I mention that I’m 35?]  I have a longing and deep desire to be a wife and mother.  There is also tension with work as a single woman as I try to find the balance of being passionate about what I’m called to for this season while desiring something that hasn't come to fruition.  And will it?  If it does, how do I make career and family work?  We live in a society that is broken.  It was difficult to explain my feelings because there are so many layers that a few paragraphs could not suffice.  I could talk about this all day with my women friends...but did I really just say what I said to a male?  

And lastly, the thing I said "yes" to in the beginning of the week happened towards the end.

I didn’t give myself time to think that I’d be standing in front of an all-employee [loads of people] meeting at my institution.  It didn’t register in my brain that this was going to be live video fed into the seminary campus.  And then saved forever as a recording that someone could find online.  I didn’t even think that faculty with Ph.Ds or seminary theologians would be attending.  Until now. 

I simply said “yes” to speaking on a devotional message that applied to my life.  It happen to be Halloween...I hate this holiday.  It feels fake to act like someone else.  So I talked about taking off our masks...and being vulnerable.   

It was after I got on stage with my sheet of paper in hand, spoke from the heart, and then stepped down from the lights back into the shadows of my seat that I thought, “WHAT DID I JUST DO?” I had an internal vulnerability regret as my mine swirled in the negativities. 

I use my past shame, family issues and relationship woos as I mentor young adults through their identity discovery years.  It is in this place that I have released my insecurities as I walk beside students.  At times it can feel like a one-way street as I mentally and emotionally invest into “fighting” for them to succeed.  Yet, it is their struggles and pain that they have impacted me to tell my story and persevere.

The work I do with college students is very personal but to be so in front of my colleagues?  Afterwards the college President, my boss and other colleagues acknowledge my sharing.  Back at the office I already have an email from the seminary asking when I was going to apply.  At the grocery store a colleague I hardly knew thanked me.

It is in this unmasking that I'm reminded of my favorite verse from Ephesians 3:20 “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us”. In the gap of knowing and seeing is faith, faith that even if I don't get accolades that I am doing the right thing. Even when I make mistakes and don't have the perfect words to say, I can truth in God's abundant power.

Finding Community: Fall(ow)ing Along Towards Peace

[Photo courtesy of Onjalai Flake, Herbert Hoover Park, Newberg, OR]

I want to write so bad; I want to put all my thoughts into words; I've been stuck.  I have a lot of braining going on and need to process.  So here I am without a clear vision forming letters into words and words into sentences as I try to get out of the "I-can't-zone" and into the "I-will-go-for-it-zone" of not focusing on getting it "write" 'cause in the end this is my blog and I can do what I want to [insert big laugh].  I need to give myself freedom to express the deepest pains and greatest joys through the lens of vulnerability.

Fall is one of my favorite times of the year with the brilliant orange and golden leaves.  It's a simple reminder that my life is like seasons' ebbs & flows in which there is alternating forward visioning and holding back reflection moments.  Living within the tension is a hard and good place to be.  It's been a long last couple of weeks - emotional, mental, confusion, anxiety, peace.  I put peace at the end as if to give the image that I've got it figured out.  I don't.

There's so much mystery in life.  Ohh!  And I've got questions.  My life coach gave me one very simple question to ask on my personal retreat last month:  Why?  

A three letter word to ask God.
In regards to my current circumstances.  
Good circumstances.  

Mostly I've seen this asked in a negative way when life is not perfect - yet I have come to a season of being content.  Fulfilled.  Peaceful.  And the why is not in doubt, rather wonderment.  Asking this question has gotten me to see the value in that Why-sdom [asking why = wisdom] can give me deeper insight.  

I see the aligning through the twists & turns of a previously unforeseen future.  The joy comes from the sorrow.  The letting go comes from releasing the holding on.  And the question comes back over and over.  Why?  I've been in this sweet spot for a short six weeks after much transition in ministry, housing, work...and in this space I'm visually and internally watching the seasons change.  

I didn't come away from my retreat with a concrete answer but rather that feeling that God loves me.  Loves loves loves me.  A gift that I can not repay.  I am constantly being uprooted physically but more than what most people can see, spiritually, as He keeps challenging me to live my life outward & upward.

Shortly there after I am confronted with a challenge.  Anxiety like I've never felt.  3 AM wake ups of prayers and journaling as I processed the situation.  

"Do you trust Me?"
"Yes", I respond quickly.
"Really trust Me?"  
"YES!" I say confidently.
"Trust fully?"
"Oh course, Lord", I say exasperated.
"Deep abiding TRUST in all areas of your life?  The deepest longings, the deepest shame, the deepest pain?  That I, the GREAT I AM, can redeem, restore and repair through community?  

Fall(ow)ing along towards peace with Christ takes trust like I've never known.  To allow my own expectations of how I envisioned my life to fall away as I let go of human questions and focus on hearing from God.  Finding community is ultimately in Jehovah-jirah.  As autumn leaves fall towards the ground, I, like the tree, have to allow myself to be pruned with the limbs' colors coming off as I stand raw...and free.  

Finding Community: Gaining [Spiritual] Perspective

Awoken from slumber in the middle of the night, swirling in my mind are many unprocessed thoughts.  The biggest one being, "Lord, what are you calling me to do"? And He reminded me of Hillsong's "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)", so I listened to it over and over and over.  Then I wake up early this morning and do the same.  

In the stillness of the morning
In the quiet of the night
Words of encouragement flood my spirit with abundant confidence
My eyes will focus on Above

How often do I look at the details of my life with anxiety when I really should rest in HIS embrace as I remember the big rocks of faith, hope, and love.

" It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him." (Heb 11:6. MSG).

Finding community is not always with human beings because overly relying on people for all my answers is a worldly perspective.  Taking time to sit alone and pray to God through worship, listening, and writing is the framework for community.  

(October 2, 2013)

Finding Community: Pumpkin-Bombing

Tiny cute pumpkin-bomb

I woke up and my housemate told me to look out the window...a baby pumpkin was on my car and a large relative was in the middle of the front lawn!  I duped it pumpkin-bombing, like the current craze of yarn-bombing [knitting covers over someone's items and surprising them with it].  We think it could be the college students I work with...alas no one on Facebook is admitting to it.  

Gigantic ugly pumpkin-bomb

This creative clean [emphasis on CLEAN] prank made me feel loved. Finding community is not always serious business, it's about having fun doing silly things and laughing at the mischievousness.  It gave me a reminder how settling is not a horrible word but can show persistence through the challenges and longevity in the difficulties that sometimes produces this wonderful thing called community.

The thing I've longed for for so long was a sense of belonging.  I'm finding that it takes both the struggles and persistence to come into this deep beauty of being with others.  I'm now in my 6th year of employment at this university [which is the longest I've ever had a position.  My longest before that was 2 years.]  The institution has gone through many transitions and there were a few times in which I was praying about other opportunities, yet I am still here with no regrets.  It has taken me this long to develop my connections with colleagues, relationships with students, and contentment with the small town rural setting as a singleton in her mid-30's.  

Finding community is not always easy...but it is worth it.  Even when you get pumpkin-bombed.

[I took a sabbatical of sorts during my busy season at work.  And I'm okay with it.  I'm now starting from where I left off...and not letting Fear 3 be my truth!]

Assignment Day 5:  The Truth
Fear is big, but the truth is bigger.  Today, take out the list of fears and write down one line of truth under each. Don't argue with the fear, don't get tangled.  Just write down the truth. 

• Fear 1:  I'll be judged for what I say.  

             Truth 1:  You'll always be judged but the ONLY TRUE Judge is Jesus Christ.  You can walk in HIS confidence no                          matter who judges you.  

• Fear 2:  Writing about relationships as a single is scary...what if no guy wants to date me after he reads my writing...wait a sec, I don't really date anyways.  Never mind.

                   Truth 2:  Being vulnerable is scary but your story is for HIS glory.  Helping other singles navigate relationships is a                  high calling on your life and a guy that is the right one will like you for your writing.  

• Fear 3:  I won't be consistent in my writing and if I tell people then don't do it I lose face [well, hopefully I still have my face]  

                    Truth 3:  There is no need to have a legalistic way of writing.  Write when you can and let it come from a true desire                rather than a mandatory obligation [your face will always be beautiful]

(Completed 9/27/13 at 11:04 PM)

Finding Community: Monsters, Queens, and Scary Slimy Things

These days...okay by days I mean 2 weeks I've been living with monsters, queens and scary slimy things.  Single livin' these days ain't so quiet...and I love it (kinda)!  My furniture is in paid storage and I'm taking over the garage and dining room of my friend's home, like a jungle.  Then again a jungle is where dinos roar and swamps are found, right?  I'm living in this awesome world with a 4 & 7 year old.

I'll be moving this weekend...of course it's literally [said with a British accent because it just sounds awesome] 3 houses down the same road.  But there's something unique about living with kids...the joy and beauty that I'm going to miss.  The little girl came into my room one morning and I invited her onto the bed.  She propped up elbow onto my pillows with her head in her hand and we talked about life from a 4 year old's perspective.  It was sweet.  Then there's the morning breakfast that I love doing for the kiddos before the mom is up, the conversations I have with the 7 year old make me realize that everything is new to him and the questions he asks are so profound...and sometimes downright silly.

I love the after-bedtime routine when my long-time friend and I just stay up talking.  Then the next morning making coffee a necessity.  I came to their house without a pre-determined exit plan because I was discerning my next steps.  I thought I might be staying here longer but an opportunity for a different type of community-living opened up, so in just a few days I'll be moving for the 2nd time this summer.

Yet for now I'll enjoy the early morning giggles and late night convos.


Assignment:  "Day 4: The big F-word.  Nothing kills dreams like fear.  Today, it's time to face a few of ours.  Your task is to write down your biggest fears in your journal.  That's it, today!  I just want them to hit paper." - Jon Acuff

• Fear 1:  I'll be judged for what I say.  
• Fear 2:  Writing about relationships as a single is scary...what if no guy wants to date me after he reads my writing...wait a sec, I don't really date anyways.  Never mind.  
• Fear 3:  I won't be consistent in my writing and if I tell people then don't do it I lose face [well, hopefully I still have my face]  

(Completed 8/15/13 at 11:47 PM)

Finding Community: Stress? What stress?

I'm transitioning...for a 2nd time this summer.

I don't like to be stagnate but this has been one of the more challenging seasons with moving homes, moving churches, moving offices.  And it's really ironic actually b/c I was considering moving out-of-state, alas God was teaching me to TRUST deeper and wider...then He brought me right back to where I started a year ago.  On the exact same street I use to live in, now 2 houses away!

I had two strong senses in April:  I'd be transitioning and to get ready b/c it would happen fast.  So, on faith I started packing  believing He'd reveal in His timing, not my own.  Then all of a sudden God starting aligning - opening areas I never thought of, closed doors I was considering - and confirming how important COMMUNITY is to me.  

Over this last year, I've felt very split with my ministry and not being able to fully invest in people at church, my job, and the outside community.  God's made it very clear to me, although a difficult decision, that I need to focus on my ministry with college students and in same small town.  I have a reconfigured job in which I'm letting go of the high administration tasks so that I can focus on what I do best - connecting, mentoring, and developing students in leadership & diversity.  In addition, through only what I call a God-circumstance, I am now under the Spiritual Life Office - and my new boss is the campus pastor!  This is seriously a deep desire that I've had to be planted in the campus ministries dept to be a part of the spiritual formation in the university community.

I did this as a step of obedience although I wasn't able to see the whole picture and now just this week even more amazing things have been happening to repeatedly affirm how grateful I am to be merging under the umbrella of campus ministries and to be walking out my strengths in an affirming team environment. Stress isn't always bad, (less so if you count the amount of dark chocolate and ice-cream I am consuming) the changes are actually EXACTLY where I want to be in this season.

Yet, it isn't bad to admit when I feel overwhelmed. Which I am.

I don't like to tell people when I'm not doing well, it makes me feel weak. I'm finding though that in my weakness I am finding a community ready and willing to be hands and feet to me - to help me move my offices and homes. This is the beauty and difficulty of being right where He has called me.

Assignment:  Day 3, find some super heros.  Chances are, regardless of what your risk is, someone else has already done it.  Today's task is to find 1-3 people who have accomplished what you're aiming for during these 24 days.  Research them online and see what you can learn from the trail they have already blazed.

• Allison Vesterfelt writes on life, blogging/publishing and single life before she got married.  I love her style of writing.  It's easy to read and the layout is nice.  She has been a person that has inspired me...except for that one time I saw her in a coffeeshop and was practically speechless...although I did "punch fear in the face" [thankfully not her face] and go up and talk with her, her husband, and sister.  
• Jon Acuff started out blogging, wrote a book...a few now, and is hecka funny...yes, I guess I really did say that.  He's the one who is doing #StartExp and keeping me motivated with his community and daily assignments for 24 days.  You are my super hero Jon!  The day I met you at the ACSD conference 2013 and you wrote "I love your laugh" in my book is the day we became friends.  
• Paul Sohn and I met a few months ago through a leadership organization connection and it wasn't until I Facebooked him that I saw he wrote and blogged on leadership as a "Kingdom-minded world changer".  If I recall correctly, he had a dream to write and so made a goal to do so.  

Another goal for me would be to actually READ what they write!  

Finding Community: The Love-Hate Relationship Online

I love him.  

I hate him.  

Online relationships can be headachy.  At times exasperating.  Who's with me here?  

Finding community is about boundaries.  

BOUNDARIES. 

And let's be real here.  Writing online can be tough.  Reading messages online can be tougher.  I've been learning that I have control of my time and self-care is so important.  I get to choose what I filter in and what I say "no way Jose" [by the way, who is Jose?] to.   

Oh, did I mention who I have the love-hate relationship with?  

Facebook.   

And you thought I was talking about a guy now, didn't you?  Perhaps for you it's YouTube or work emails or Hulu.  I took a 4 year sabbatical from internet at my home and I'm 5 years strong from TV.  At times I'll get online to watch a show or two but my tendency of stress is gluttony in all things.  I can get too focused on a good thing and turn it into a negative.  It's not everyone's struggle.  

I chose to put boundaries on my relationship.  And it's good.  So good.  Yet, I haven't completely cut off the relationship from my life because there are benefits:  I have celebrated significant milestones, reconnected with high school friends, and even supported college students in their trials and heartbreaks through FB [I advise and mentor undergraduates].

My most recent support has come in a different way.  Giving encouragement is easy for me, receiving and asking for it is hard.  Yet I have been through a challenging season with transitions in all areas:  work, church, home and my mentor and hero of a Grandma that I call "Grams" passing away.  So I HAD to ask for support by sharing all the stress in my life.

And it was good.  Really good.  

I found this beautiful thing called community:  Family.  Friends.  Colleagues.  
Students.  

Assignment:  Return to paper with a journal, write 1-3 sentences every day about what you are doing (Completed 8/13/13 @ 11:30 PM)

Just START - Day 1

GET OUT. GET MOVING. START.

ACTION ALWAYS BEATS INTENTION.

A dream you don't have to fight for isn’t a dream—it’s a nap. One changes your afternoon. The other changes your world. Keep fighting. - Jon Acuff

On my 35th birthday (August 9th) I was on Facebook and Jon Acuff's challenge came onto my newsfeed.  I could not resist...I mean his title spoke to the core of who I am:  Adventurers Wanted.  Of course I just tried to go to the page to show you how awesome the inspirational motivation was but he did indeed do what he said he would:  delete the post within 24 hours.  Dang, now I regret not copy & pasting, alas, life will go on.  So here I am in Track 101, 2nd cohort of #START EXP.

Risk Start Goal:  I will blog every day for 24 days on sushishelley.blogspot.com

My accountability is through FB's #StartExp Bloggers and #StartExp Northwest [It's a closed group so you might not be able to see much] You'll want to keep up with me on this site!

A few rules I came up with:

• Just write.  Don't get bogged down with the perfect wording
• Blog every day for 24 days starting here today
• Topics are up to the discretion of the author (me!)
• Don't worry about the judgement of others (you.  yup you.)
• Remember your dream that is deeply rooted in your ministry to encourage others

Assignment:  Turn a risk into 1-3 actions.  
- Blog Day 1 about starting (Completed 8/12/13 @ 9:45 AM)

Table of Content(ment)

My life.  Your life.  We each have chapters we are willing to share...and those that we keep hidden.  It's a scary thing to be vulnerable.  I have to continually find the balance of knowing what to share and with whom.

It's a constant tension of not living out of fear but also knowing the right time.  These past few months I've been going through a medical issue that ended up becoming more serious in that it's not an injury but a lifestyle change.  Through this challenge I realized my identity was wrapped in my abilities and own strength...and I had no idea until I was confronted by my doctor's prescription.  

So then I had a bad day that turned into a bad week.  

And that's okay.  I needed time to process.  To see myself as God sees me.  My whole mind perspective about myself had to change and my emotions needed to be real.  Denial isn't the solution but rather facing the problem with sadness and tears...and finding in the mist of it all that God was waiting at the table of content(ment).  He wanted to speak words of encouragement, "You are valued", "You still have a place at the table" so that then He could write the first chapter of a refocused life.  

In my lack of I'm finding God's strength to step into my calling by walking with my head held up in full confidence.  It's not easy.  I have to be intentional in living outside of my thinking-center into a serving-out-of-my-weakness-for-His-glory-center.  I've made mistakes but I'm not giving up.  

No Coincidence

A young couple's vehicle was stolen today.

There were two deaths in the extended church family.

A few crisis' to attend to.

Sicknesses.

Seven of our core team members weren't able to be at our 2nd Resound Westside service due to these circumstances.  

It is no coincidence.  Satan is attacking.  It shouldn't surprise us.  God is moving in the city and the little d ain't happy.  But we should REJOICE!

We are NOT to dwell in the negatives and what is happening with all the craziness but to PRAISE GOD in the mist of it all.  I believe strongly that HE will continue to do GREAT things in and through us when we have a thankful heart Yes, thank God in for the challenges.  In the mist of it our LORD wants to show himself faithful.  The strongest impression I got when praying this weekend was that HE is going to do something big - new people would step into ministry and we will be fruitful in our faithfulness.

AND look what happen!  We had 110 people at our 2nd official service!  We saw 8 people get saved!  In that gap of having a lot of our team missing, we were cleaned up by in no time and we had a few new people help us!  In our lack of God is showing himself faithful.  

A couple brought 7 people to Christ at a funeral.  

Come on somebody!  I'm dancing for JOY in the mist of these challenges.

If you have a PRAISE report or prayer request, let me know so that we can share in this TOGETHER.  We need each other for this work.  

Church…It’s a Big Deal.

Four years of waiting…at times the frustrated “arghs” and “grrrs”, church shopping like I’m looking for the right shoe to fit, lonely times and trying to find contentment for where I was as a 30-ish singleton lead me to where I am today. 

2012 literally started out flying on a jet plane home on January 1^st leaving behind a failed relationship.  And then another during the year.  I kept being reminded to keep my focus on God no matter what.  A friend kept updating me on their involvement with Resound then…Facebook stirred my heart. 

Yup, sometimes social media isn’t so bad.  In March, the new lead pastor posted on my friend’s page that 30,000 Easter postcards were being mailed out for Resound Westside’s 1^st Preview Service. I got uber excited about this news - for a church I had never been to.  Thus began my 3 months of praying about Resound.

During this time I lost my job.  And I was excited!  I know that’s an “un”typical response but I’d learned through other painful experiences that I needed to TRUST in God’s path that would be greater than my own.  My 10-day notice of budget cuts and combining of positions gave me this uber-joy of an I’m-now-released-to-go-anywhere perspective.   The very next day I was offered a restructured job at the same company.  God was stretching and growing and molding me.  Teaching me that HIS plans are better than my own and to let go of any bitterness for His goodness. 

It was during these three months of prayer that I wanted to know without a doubt that I was doing this for the right reasons and it was confirmed in various aspects but mostly with a sense of PEACE.  Deep abiding peace that surpasses understanding.  I knew before I even went to a service that I was supposed to be a part of Resound’s church-plant and move closer to the metropolitan Portland suburbs.  I’m so thankful for this period of waiting because I’ve had some difficult times but I have NEVER doubted that God has called me specifically to church-plant in the mist of a everything else going on.   

Of course I had to attend a service to doubly confirm what God was showing me.  The first Sunday I went to Resound I immediately sensed God’s spirit of love.  It was so evident.  I went to the service on my own and came out having amazing connections.

The second Sunday I was nervous that it’d be hard to walk in and not really know anyone (I’ve had that sinking feeling many times before during the beginning stages of attending a new church…and it’s horrible).  I had to literally pray in my car before getting out.  I asked God to have me meet somebody.  Yes, even an outgoing person can internally be shy.  Then God answered my prayer.  As I walked into the church movie theatre (Hillsboro, OR) another lady was walking in at the same time.  She turned to me and asked if I had anyone to sit with.  It was such a relief to make a new friend.  Simple things.  God things. 

Being on mission is exciting yet joining a new church takes work.  But it is worth the sacrifice.  I feel alive when I’m thinking outside myself.  When I get to serve alongside others who are sacrificing too.  There’s no pew or movie-seat warmers here.  We aren’t starting a church just to have another Sunday option.  Church is to seek and save the lost.  To be community.  To love others.

Over the last several months over 100,000+ postcards have gone out!  We’ve gone door-to-door on Saturday mornings hanging flyers.  We went to a mall to talk to people.  We put on a Halloween kid event.  We celebrated our first R2 baby’s arrival.  We had an awesome Christmas Eve service.  Our firsts also come with lasts.  We ended our preview services.  We had our last Monday night team gatherings.  Yet with transitions come new things that God has in store. 

I get excited about church.  It’s not a building.  It’s the people.  The focus on Christ.  We are in this together. 

Join us!  Tigard Regal Cinema, 10 AM every Sunday starting January 20, 2013.  (or come at 7 AM to help us set-up!)

Pray for us!  The little d ain’t happy…that’s for sure.  We’d appreciate your prayers as we reach the Portland-metro area with HOPE.