Finding Community: Fall(ow)ing Along Towards Peace

[Photo courtesy of Onjalai Flake, Herbert Hoover Park, Newberg, OR]

I want to write so bad; I want to put all my thoughts into words; I've been stuck.  I have a lot of braining going on and need to process.  So here I am without a clear vision forming letters into words and words into sentences as I try to get out of the "I-can't-zone" and into the "I-will-go-for-it-zone" of not focusing on getting it "write" 'cause in the end this is my blog and I can do what I want to [insert big laugh].  I need to give myself freedom to express the deepest pains and greatest joys through the lens of vulnerability.

Fall is one of my favorite times of the year with the brilliant orange and golden leaves.  It's a simple reminder that my life is like seasons' ebbs & flows in which there is alternating forward visioning and holding back reflection moments.  Living within the tension is a hard and good place to be.  It's been a long last couple of weeks - emotional, mental, confusion, anxiety, peace.  I put peace at the end as if to give the image that I've got it figured out.  I don't.

There's so much mystery in life.  Ohh!  And I've got questions.  My life coach gave me one very simple question to ask on my personal retreat last month:  Why?  

A three letter word to ask God.
In regards to my current circumstances.  
Good circumstances.  

Mostly I've seen this asked in a negative way when life is not perfect - yet I have come to a season of being content.  Fulfilled.  Peaceful.  And the why is not in doubt, rather wonderment.  Asking this question has gotten me to see the value in that Why-sdom [asking why = wisdom] can give me deeper insight.  

I see the aligning through the twists & turns of a previously unforeseen future.  The joy comes from the sorrow.  The letting go comes from releasing the holding on.  And the question comes back over and over.  Why?  I've been in this sweet spot for a short six weeks after much transition in ministry, housing, work...and in this space I'm visually and internally watching the seasons change.  

I didn't come away from my retreat with a concrete answer but rather that feeling that God loves me.  Loves loves loves me.  A gift that I can not repay.  I am constantly being uprooted physically but more than what most people can see, spiritually, as He keeps challenging me to live my life outward & upward.

Shortly there after I am confronted with a challenge.  Anxiety like I've never felt.  3 AM wake ups of prayers and journaling as I processed the situation.  

"Do you trust Me?"
"Yes", I respond quickly.
"Really trust Me?"  
"YES!" I say confidently.
"Trust fully?"
"Oh course, Lord", I say exasperated.
"Deep abiding TRUST in all areas of your life?  The deepest longings, the deepest shame, the deepest pain?  That I, the GREAT I AM, can redeem, restore and repair through community?  

Fall(ow)ing along towards peace with Christ takes trust like I've never known.  To allow my own expectations of how I envisioned my life to fall away as I let go of human questions and focus on hearing from God.  Finding community is ultimately in Jehovah-jirah.  As autumn leaves fall towards the ground, I, like the tree, have to allow myself to be pruned with the limbs' colors coming off as I stand raw...and free.