Finding Community: I said "Yes!"

I said "Yes!"

It wasn't a hard choice.  It felt right.  But more than basing my quick decision on feelings it was my logical response to a deep desire that I have had for years.  The ironic thing about saying "yes" is that sometimes you don't have days or weeks or years to process and discern, then again, I believe you do.

I have many deep desires, some that I share and some that I keep hidden as I wait for an opportunity.  I've said "no" to many potential situations that seemingly could align with my desires but do not give me peace.  It's frustrating at times to feel like I keep coming across a roadblock in my path.  In this tension I continually learn to let go of self as I allow God to guide me so that it's my story for His glory rather than mine.

I had several vulneric [vulnerability + panic] attacks this last week on my vulnerability streak.

First, I talked to HR about a harassment and discrimination issue.  I wasn't hindered from saying anything...till afterwards.

Then I had a serious conversation with a male colleague regarding woman in leadership.  We didn't have a lot of time to process a systemic issue in 15 mins as I tried to share my concerns and the thoughts didn't flow perfectly.

A guest author met with a small group of woman as we shared our personal struggles with the church.  It was bonding and real...but did I really talk about singleness with people whose first names I hardly knew?  

Then I had a email exchange with a male friend and a piece of it was on relationships.  It wasn’t what he said but the connection I made that triggered a sore spot for me.  [Did I mention that I’m 35?]  I have a longing and deep desire to be a wife and mother.  There is also tension with work as a single woman as I try to find the balance of being passionate about what I’m called to for this season while desiring something that hasn't come to fruition.  And will it?  If it does, how do I make career and family work?  We live in a society that is broken.  It was difficult to explain my feelings because there are so many layers that a few paragraphs could not suffice.  I could talk about this all day with my women friends...but did I really just say what I said to a male?  

And lastly, the thing I said "yes" to in the beginning of the week happened towards the end.

I didn’t give myself time to think that I’d be standing in front of an all-employee [loads of people] meeting at my institution.  It didn’t register in my brain that this was going to be live video fed into the seminary campus.  And then saved forever as a recording that someone could find online.  I didn’t even think that faculty with Ph.Ds or seminary theologians would be attending.  Until now. 

I simply said “yes” to speaking on a devotional message that applied to my life.  It happen to be Halloween...I hate this holiday.  It feels fake to act like someone else.  So I talked about taking off our masks...and being vulnerable.   

It was after I got on stage with my sheet of paper in hand, spoke from the heart, and then stepped down from the lights back into the shadows of my seat that I thought, “WHAT DID I JUST DO?” I had an internal vulnerability regret as my mine swirled in the negativities. 

I use my past shame, family issues and relationship woos as I mentor young adults through their identity discovery years.  It is in this place that I have released my insecurities as I walk beside students.  At times it can feel like a one-way street as I mentally and emotionally invest into “fighting” for them to succeed.  Yet, it is their struggles and pain that they have impacted me to tell my story and persevere.

The work I do with college students is very personal but to be so in front of my colleagues?  Afterwards the college President, my boss and other colleagues acknowledge my sharing.  Back at the office I already have an email from the seminary asking when I was going to apply.  At the grocery store a colleague I hardly knew thanked me.

It is in this unmasking that I'm reminded of my favorite verse from Ephesians 3:20 “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us”. In the gap of knowing and seeing is faith, faith that even if I don't get accolades that I am doing the right thing. Even when I make mistakes and don't have the perfect words to say, I can truth in God's abundant power.